humiliation at its core

Today I had to present my script for my short film. We do a read through where people read for the parts.

I came in pretty confident, but right when the prof asked me to go first, it all started going downhill. Firstly, I picked really bad readers. Maybe it's because it was 9:00 in the morning and no one was fully awake yet, but that's where it really went wrong. The readers were stumbling over the lines, so it felt like the script didn't make sense.

I literally put my head in my hands. I couldn't even listen to the script, I felt like they were butchering it. It just wasn't what I thought would come of this. Some of the jokes didn't get across either, and the guy reading for my main character Todd was being too sarcastic, which isn't the character at all, but it's just him being him.

All I kept thinking was, "What's wrong? Why is it coming out like this? Where did I go wrong?" I really started doubting myself as a writer, maybe my stuff's too quirky and not mainstream enough. It was a real downer. I wanted to leave the room. I felt really exposed up there, with my script being read out loud. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't.

Right after, I got some good feedback from my prof and TA and the rest of the class. But I still felt real sore about the whole thing, like when you fall on your butt when you go ice-skating. And I felt it all day.

L. came over, and brought stuff to make drinks, just cranberry juice and vodka. We just drank a little and watched "Alien" for our sci-fi class. I really want to get out of my head and get the feeling of this morning out.