happy new year!

Okay, so it's not New Year's yet, but I just wanted to say it anyway.

It's been a while.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating. I've been working a lot and doing other things on the side, and also, there's been a boy at work who's been a constant distraction.

How could I explain our relationship? It's like a Jim-Pam thing from "The Office" in its earlier seasons, but it started out like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan thing from "You've Got Mail." I mean, we HATED each other in the beginning, can you believe it? He would prank me, and I would be so mean and rude to him, it was almost too funny to be real, if that makes any sense. And then, I started getting slightly interested in this mean, yet funny, boy. Because he really is a funny guy, aside from the pranking, and he's good at his job, and we actually like the same things.

So, after work, there's a party at this bar, and he asks me if I'm going, and I say yes. I go, and when he shows up, he comes with his girlfriend who is this skinny girl and pretty, and I'm kind of disappointed because all this time, this pranking/rude commenting almost felt like a form of flirting, but all this time he had a girlfriend. So I shut the whole thing down, there are plenty of guys are there who are just as interesting.

And then when this other PA quit, they MOVED HIM TO THE DESK IN FRONT OF ME. Unbelievable. Torture. I thought I was going to hate going to work for the rest of my days. And we had to work closely together and do projects together that involved us being in each other's company for long periods of time not to mention that our desks freaking face each other.

Soon enough, I start crushing on him again, this boy with a girlfriend. And it's hopeless for me, but I can't help it. We make each other laugh, and we work well together, and it's just nice to have this sort of relationship with a co-worker. We don't hang out outside of work, that would be weird. But we work well together in the office, and I'm starting to be okay with that, and at the same time, I want my crushing on him to go away, but it can't.

Then, the night of the holiday party at work and a week before his birthday, his girlfriend dumps him. I told this to a friend of mine, and she said, "It's all coming together for you!" I'm happy, I mean, the guy is single now, but I don't want to be his rebound, and, God, I can't really tell if he likes me anyway. I mean, I feel like he does, but...Guys like him don't really go for girls like me.

Like if this were a movie, it would never happen. Even if it's one of those indie films where it might happen, it wouldn't between the two of us. I mean, he is that guy in high school that was super popular and smart and funny and everyone liked him. He's that guy. And the cosmic chances of him and I getting together are nil.

Anyway, he took it pretty hard that night at the holiday party. I left early since my drive from the studio is so far, but the next morning, he came in, hungover as hell and asked me where I was after the party. I told him about my long drive and he said, "That's understandable...I just wish you were there."

Those last 6 words just sealed the deal. And he said it with this sadness leftover from his break-up, it killed me.

So, I'm biding my time and just letting this lead to, well, wherever, and I'm not going to rush anything with this guy because, God, wouldn't that ruin things. We have a nice thing going on right now. We work so well together, we're freaking Mulder and Scully. But if anything happens, you'll know...

hello again.

So, it's been a while since I've written, and I apologize.

The weeks have passed in a blur. The job is better now.

I'm learning a lot, and I'd like to think I'd settled in, but I feel there is still so much to learn at the studio. How can I explain what I do without the technical jargon? Remember making dioramas for school? Like for a book you've read? You take a scene, and you display it in a shoebox with a background and tiny props and tiny people. I guess what I do, is that I make a diorama on the computer.

For each shot, I grab a background, the props, the characters, and I put them all on the screen. And I do that for each shot in the episode. It's a lot of shots.

I also do something like script supervising. For each shot, I put what lines were said and what sounds were heard for that shot.

I also get lunches and dinners for director, editors, producers, and animators.

I also fill the vending machine with tasty snacks.

I'm happy to be working, in other words, I'm happy that I'm making money. Not a lot of it, but it's better than minimum wage, I get to wear casual clothes to the office, and the people are pretty nice and funny.

And just Friday night, one of the studio execs invited me out to dinner with some other co-workers, which was an extremely nice gesture. She said we could order whatever we want and even have a drink. She paid with the company card. That was cool.

So that's life, pretty much. Not extremely exciting, but I'm working/making money, so I'll take it.

hm.

I don't know how I feel about this job.

I know, complete 180 degree turn from my last post. But I'm 2 days into it, and...I don't know. Before I started the job, I was PA on a commercial shoot. I had more fun on those two days shooting the commercial than I had at my new full-time job. Of course I guess it's all the paperwork and new protocol that I have to learn, but honestly, I don't think I'm cut out working for an actual company. I'm really into the freelance, work the hours you want lifestyle. It's risky, but I love it.

I shouldn't judge just by those two days, but let's just say that I'm glad that it'll be over in February. Maybe I'll feel different in February, but we'll see, we'll definitely see. I don't want to get too into it on this blog because I'm afraid who might read it. Unfortunately, nothing is ever really private on the interweb, so lots of censoring or cryptic messages might be rampant here.

The plan for AFTER February--that's the good stuff.

Kuya and Kat just came back from their trip to Machu Picchu, and I definitely want to go there before that area is completely desecrated by commercialism. So, I'm going to start saving my money now for that and for the next months in which I might be unemployed. The thing with my new job is that I'm moving to be closer to it. Right now, I leave an hour and a half before I have to really be there because of traffic. I also get home late.

My rent is pretty good ($500/month) for a room in a house, and it's only 15 minutes to work. It'll be worth the trouble. Plus it's by the beach, so that's cool. I don't care for the area too much, not that it's a bad area, but it's very homogenized if you know what I mean. But I'll look at it as an interesting case study.

Rent is my big expense. That's fine. I'm going to try and see if it's feasible to put 30% of what I earn into my savings (designated for unemployment time) and another 30% into another savings account (designated for travel). The rest will be used for food and other things. Going to have to cut down on buying the extraneous (books, dvds, clothes).

Okay, okay, okay. We'll see what happens. This is going to be interesting.

TAKE THAT RECESSION!

I have a job!!!

After the stint at my internship, I had some trouble trying to find work. I saw a lot of receptionist positions at production companies, but I'm done being the Pam Beesley of an office with more Dwights than Jim Halperts.

The animation studio that my friend works at ended up calling me up for an interview on Thursday. They had a production assistant's position for one of their animated shows that I applied for 3 weeks ago. I went in for my interview Friday (yesterday).

Their unassuming studio sits in a commercial business park across from some windows manufacturing company. They don't even have a sign for their company. I was early and waited for the production manager. Let's call her Sarah.

Sarah came and showed me around the building. Walked by the edit bays (where they edit the show) and onto "the floor" basically where all the animators and artists are. We talked in her office for 20 minutes. She explained the position. I'd basically be helping the animators and doing other production work. She asked me about my goals were and what I wanted to do in the future. I told her I wanted to be a script supervisor. That got her pretty excited since there might be work I could do in that direction for their company.

After the interview, she gave me the job right then!

We toured the studio. I met so many people in a short amount of time so hopefully I'll get everyone's names within the week I start! The studio is an amazing creative space. Lots of toys and games around, lol. They also have a motion capture studio.

I start on Thursday next week since I'm also working on a commercial on Tuesday and Wednesday. Unfortunately my contract with the animation studio is until February since my position is only temporary. But if they get more feature film or gaming work, they might be able to keep me on. I'm just glad to have a stable job and income for a while. YAY!

update: the end of summer

Hello all! Sorry it's been so long...lots have happened lately.

So I finished my internship finally finally, but it was a worthwhile experience. Since they're such a small company, they can't really hire me on, but the lady who mentored me said that she'll gladly recommend me. I'm glad to have someone in the industry vouch for me.

The animation job didn't work out even though my friend said that I was a shoe-in. Oh well. C'est la vie. Maybe there's something out there for me. I've already started looking, but no luck just yet.

Mom said I'm gaining weight. When your Mom offers to pay for a membership to 24 hr fitness for you, that's probably a big sign. With all the recent family gatherings based all around food, it's a wonder that I haven't gained more.

Ugh, I'm 23, done with school, and I thought things would've been figured out by now. It feels a little to early to call myself a failure, but I feel like I'm getting there.

Also, I CAN'T hang around with people who have money to spend. It depresses me so.

life goes on

Thanks all for your prayers. Unfortunately, my best friend's brother did not make it, but we are all consoled that he is no longer suffering in this world. The family is doing well, and I've been spending time with them along with my family (my cousins were in town), hence the lack of posts.

As for the Wal-Mart shoot...one of the head PAs told the other interns that I was the best PA they've had all week! How wonderful. He said that he liked my hustle. I truly gave it my all on that shoot so that I could leave an indelible impression, and it worked. Anyway, I try to give my all on any shoot no matter what. He really didn't have to say all those nice things, it's not like they needed an assessment of all the interns, so the fact that he volunteered those compliments amazes me. I feel like my name is out there and with good connotations. The last thing anyone needs in this business is for people not to recommend you or have anything nice to say about you.

My internship is winding down, but good news...I've just sent out my resume to an animation studio that is looking for production assistants. A friend works there, and she recommended me (see what recommendations can do for you!?). If I get it, the work is full-time, but only until February. I'm okay with that. Gives me time to think about what I want to do in the future (other than travel some more) and put away some money. It's kind of exciting to live this way. I'd like to live closer to the studio if possible, but let's see what happens.

Hm.

I was going to write about my wonderful PA experience on the Wal-Mart shoot, but I'm really not in that space right now.

My best friend from grade school has an older brother who is in the hospital right now. He's not doing very well.

If you can keep him in your thoughts and prayers or just do whatever it is you do to send good, positive vibes out into the world, send them this way.

obsession

I have really gotten into the Zodiac lately. It doesn't explain my absence from writing, but I just wanted to mention that it's been my latest obsession. What got me into it was David Fincher's film finally making it to the top of my Netflix. I watched it, and I loved everything about it. If I could make a film like that, just one, then that's it, I'm done. That would do it for me just to make one good personal film. I don't even care if it does well in theaters, just that it was made.

No internship this week because Mother is having an operation, and I need to be home. I also have to take people to the airport and do all sorts of errands for the parentals. I don't mind it actually because it gives me time to sort through all my crap and get rid of stuff. Kuya's friend is having a garage sale, and I'm bring all sorts of junk that clutters my room to sell.

Incidentally, I think I may be one of the best interns. There have been all sorts of intern drama, but I've been a good girl with no problems. Yay! The only thing with interning at a small company is that they really can't take me on, unlike maybe interning at Disney where they'll just shove me into the mailroom if I've shown compliance and allegiance to the Mouse, but I'm okay with that.

This is like the best time to be confused about the direction of my life as ever since the job market sucks. I know what I don't want to do, so that's a good start, right?

sweet news!

Lately there have been a lot of commercial shoots all across the country ranging from Seattle to New York City, but no work here in LA. I was beginning to think that I wouldn't get to see any of the award winning cinematographers and directors that our company represents do their thing (*ahem* Michael Apted of The Office fame, DP Janusz Kaminski of Saving Private Ryan, and even Ben Affleck!)

I found out that we do have one shoot here in LA for a commercial, and I might get to be a PA for a day. YAY!

I won't get into all of it yet, but let me splurge on one bit, one of the crew has one of my favorite films under his (or her) belt: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! So cool!

Also, I got a LOAD of free stuff from internship that was used as props on some shoots. Most of it is kitchenware, which is always good to have.

rejection, cancellation, dead

When a commercial we're bidding on (finding the crew, getting it all together, etc.) doesn't work out, it's "dead". For example, "the Wal-Mart job is dead."

I can't think of a more final word.

On the last 2 projects I worked on, none of them came to fruition. I found the boom crane. I found location scouts. I found a caterer and a production supervisor. All that led to nothing, and it's the most disappointing feeling in the world. And then I have to call these people, cancel the crane, tell the location scout that she could take that other shoot she's been holding out for. No one is more upset than me. Everyone takes it in stride. "This happens, Elaine. This happens." My mentor told me.

I need to work on this.

Hung out at the edit bay today when there was nothing else for me to do. I watched them put together a reel--it's like a trailer of a director's best work. Our executive producer didn't like the song some clips were cut to, so we had to find a new one. By sheer LUCK, this one song we found matched perfectly. At one point, the words of the song eerily matched the words a character was speaking. They were synced up so perfectly, and it was all chance. I love that. Dave and I just looked at each other with wide eyes. Both of our faces held the same expression: "Did you see that?!" It was beautiful.

I was so lost in that moment that I forgot about the dead projects, the cancellations, the production supervisor out of a job for the next week. I was content. If only there was a way to be this happy consistently.

-----

Switching gears, but that's pretty much it about my internship. I do the same stuff every day, not much variation until today.

I'm starting to read more, and I've made a commitment to read at least 25 pages a day, which isn't that much. I'm reading a TON of books simultaneously, something that's also new to me, but it's quite nice because all the books cover a variety of subjects, so I can just choose what I'm in the mood for.

I've been interested in deaf-mute characters (possibly for a future project), so I picked up Carson McCullers's The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter. There's also Art of War by Sun Tzu, and The Beach by Alex Garland. Gosh, I feel like there's so many more books that I have to read that I haven't even thought about!

Going to sleep. Actually, time to read. My commute is so horrid that I spend almost 2 hours in the car, each way. Disgusting. I hate it.

head is spinning

Today was probably the busiest day ever! It makes my head spin and almost regret every decision I have ever made to get me to this point of my life. I was on the phone talking to people for literally 3 hours straight just trying to get a film crew together. And I really hate talking on the phone and talking to people I don't even know. Sometimes I hate the phone period.

But, honestly, when I look back on all the stuff I did today, I feel very accomplished. It's a nice feeling, so I guess it all really balances out. I do know now that I really appreciate all the people in pre-production that make things happen. Trying to get a crew of people, all with different availabilities and agendas together, and getting a project into fruition even if it's a 30 second or 60 second commercial. It's insane. It really makes my head hurt.

Going to sleep.

disneyland vs. comfy office: part 2

So, where was I? I was sitting in the dark in the conference room.

R. comes in--she's editor there and a real cool girl--and she says, "It's so sad that you're sitting in the dark. But I have something for you to do! I'm sorry to make you do this, but there's no one else who could do it." Turns out it's the boss's b-day tomorrow, but she's leaving early to see her parents for the weekend. She dumped a load of work on everyone, and there's no one to pick up cupcakes and wine for her surprise b-day.

INTERN TO THE RESCUE!

They gave me money, and I basically went to Trader Joe's, got her fave wine, went to Sprinkles in Beverly Hills, pushed my way through all those hipster toolbags, and picked up the cupcakes. I was amazing, I was on it, and I was thorough. I made sure to call and tell them I was outside so that boss doesn't see me walk in with cupcakes. I saw that the champagne flutes on the table that one of the assistants put out were dirty, so I washed them.

This is all PA stuff, which I don't mind, because I'm being real helpful. It's not helpful when I'm stuttering on the phone to producers who are questioning my "position".

The boss was surprised, and one of our directors was there (yeep!), and he said "Thanks" to me for picking up the cupcakes. That made me happy. Made me more happy than getting half a cupcake and a glass of wine in my tummy.

When the boss left everyone unloaded and just hung out in the office. I got to talk to the assistants a little more, which is nice. They said they're glad to have me and how helpful I was, which is nice, but probably the wine talking. I got to go home a little later than usual because I was just hanging out and there was nothing to do, but I think it's important to show that I'm "sociable" even when I'm not.

R. was telling me that no matter what you do in this business, YOU HAVE TO BE AN ACTOR. There are certain ways to deal with people, and you have to know how to "act" with certain people. When you're on the phone trying to get a boom lift from a guy, you have to have a certain voice, maybe "flirt" with them a little, make them feel good, because you want what he has, and only he can give it to you. It's frustrating for me to act on the phone, but I know I have to do it.

The same with interning--I have to be a different person there. And it's very weird and disorienting, and I feel phony, and I don't want it to take over. I don't want to be this person at home or when I'm with my friends. At the same time though, it feels really really good to book a caterer for a film shoot or to get some weird info about cameras at Panavision all using my "phone voice and act"--which are two things I did yesterday.

I don't know. Still mixed about all this. Yesterday, I also got to hang out more with R. She showed me how to pull clips from films and to post them on the website. Pretty cool.

disneyland vs. comfy office

I spent maybe less than 4 hours in my car today.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I hate the drive to internship. I work there 3 days a week for 9 hours a day. And it's an unpaid internship. Not that many people understand that. I'm getting paid in experience.

Today was okay. First I was told that I made some mistakes on things. Ugh...Then I had to make a call to find a production supervisor. This lady I was on the phone with was questioning my "position" in the company, when I finally resigned and said, "I'm just an intern." To which she said, "You are NEVER just an intern! You're more than that." And then she was a bit nicer.

Then I had a block of time where I was doing NOTHING AT ALL. I was thinking in my head, "Do I really belong here?" Because honestly, this isn't what I want to do. I don't want to make calls or do any sort of office work. I've done that for my past two jobs. I'm done with that. I'm learning a lot when it comes to the process of getting commercials produced and it's all helpful and interesting, but I don't want to be in an office.

Suddenly, while sitting in the conference room alone since that's where I was told to wait until there was work to do, suddenly working at Disneyland didn't seem like a bad idea. I thought that maybe I could be that person that stocks the stores or picks up trash. That honestly sounded appealing to me than sitting in an office. So I thought of my "quitting story". What could I say to get myself out of this?

Sorry to end it here, but I'm real tired, and I have to wake up early for internship. Will continue tomorrow. No work on Friday! Gnight!

started internship

Good news: I have an internship!

Sorry I've been lacking in posts. Just got too much to do, I guess. I have an internship at a production company that makes commercials. I don't want to put their name out there, but they're HUGE. And they have so many good, well-known cinematographers and directors working with them. If you watch any tv at all, then chances are you've seen the commercials that the company that I now intern for have produced. I signed a contract that says I won't talk about ANYTHING about the company or its ads, so I might be vague a lot.

I started today, and it was...okay. Am sort of getting a feel for it. The people are nice, but really stern and blunt. And when you do something wrong, they're on you so fast, you have no idea. So today was rough, just because I was getting a feel for things, and maybe they expected someone who's kind of like them. Like I've written before, I don't have that type of personality. I'm pretty meek and shy. Dad says that I can't let "the white people" get me down...haha. "Once they know they can step on you, they'll never forget it."

So I'm getting into what producers do, and soon I'll be making calls and "taking bids", or in other words, finding people to work on projects. That means I have to "schmooze" and stuff all over the phone. Ugh. I don't want to do it, but I know I have to be good at it. I've already practiced a little. I just feel real gross afterwards. I don't understand.

We'll see how I fare in the coming weeks.

the first Hollywood PA job: part 2

Andy, the production manager, kept telling us all throughout the morning, "I got Jacopo's for lunch. You like meatloaf? Best meatloaf ever. In the world. You will LOVE IT."

The food came, and Hannah and I set up the buffet in the large lunch room in the second floor of the studio. Oh. Dear. God. I've never seen so much food on a film shoot. On student shoots, you're lucky to get pizza or some sort of snack. Sometimes people shoot in the afternoon after lunch and finish before dinner so that they don't have to feed people. It's understandable if you're a student and trying to save money, but Andy disagreed. "If you're asking students to work on your shoot for free, then you need to feed them well just for being there."

There was so much leftover so we brought it back to the crafts services table. I helped clean up the lunch area and then I was sent on another errand. This time I had to return the little "heater" that kept all the food warm to Jacopo's in Beverly Hills. Another gopher run!

I am so eternally grateful for my new GPS thing in my car, honestly, without it I'd be lost in LA. It tracks my miles so I know what to write in my mileage log sheet and if I take different turns it immediately re-routes me. There was so much traffic though that Andy asked me if I got lost when I got back.

Spent the rest of the afternoon doing other random jobs: get this upstairs, get that. I finally had to go pick up the crew's dinner at Baja Fresh across from the Arclight. The people there were really nice. They gave us free churros! I had to make several trips to the car with food though since there was so much. I kept getting calls from Andy to "speed it up, but get here safely". Dude. I can't do both. I can either speed, or be safe, but there's no safety when speeding. I can understand the pressure he's in when the crew's going hungry, but really, my safety is important, and I'll never give into putting myself in danger for some crew member complaining of hunger when there's perfectly good snacks to gorge on in crafts services.

I got in, set up the food, and several people ate. I watched on since I couldn't honestly eat another bite. Around 10pm, after much standing around and no end of filming in sight, Andy said I could go home since there was nothing left for me to do. I insisted on staying to help clean up, but he said that it was okay. I thanked him as well as some other people there like all the other PAs and Hannah and said goodbye. A lot of the PAs thanked me for doing all that driving and gopher stuff.

The best feeling in the world was getting thanked by the PAs and production manager. When you're working a thankless job unnoticed by the higher-ups, it's always nice to get a "thank you" and a smile from other PAs for doing the crap that no one else wanted to do.

Got home around 11, tired but so happy just re-living what it's like to be on a set. I haven't been on a set or film shoot for maybe two years. How weird. The only main difference is the professionalism and level of experience between a school shoot and a pro one. Other than that, both types of shoots are comprised of hardworking, passionate people all working on this one goal: to get the film in the can.

the first Hollywood PA job: part 1

I mentioned before that I scored a paying (pretty rare for a film student fresh out of college, I'm told) PA job for a commercial.

I signed a confidentiality agreement saying that I won't disclose information about the company or its product, but that doesn't mean I can't talk about my experience as a production assistant/gopher!

We filmed at a studio in Hollywood. The crew was pretty small, about 30 people. A good percentage of the crew was Asian, which was really cool and unexpected. A lot of them were Japanese or Korean and spoke their native languages.

I got there super early, around 6:30 am. Call time was at 7am, but it's always good to get there early. It's a good first impression. The production manager, Andy, showed me around the studio and where to find everything. I helped Hannah, in crafts services (or where you'll find the food), set up her table of yummy breakfast foods. Fruits, Starbucks coffee and pastries, breakfast burritos, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches. On a student shoot, you're lucky to get any sort of snack or pizza at the end of the day, but these professionals don't mess around. You have to keep your crew happy if you want them to work hard, and sometimes all you need to keep them happy is great crafts services.

I went on my first "run" to buy 60 pounds of ice. I went to the nearest gas station, and the fellows there were so nice, they even helped me to my car with the ice. They asked me if I was throwing a party so early in the morning, and I said no, "We're filming a commercial down the street." To be able to say that gave me a huge sense of pride, not to mention a real ego boost.

Came back with the ice, filled the coolers, and went to the production suite with Andy to help fill out paperwork. I spent the next 30 minutes or so making copies of things, filling out paperwork for all of the crew. I met Yoshi, one of the production managers for the Japanese clients. He was nice. We had a safety meeting with the whole crew and then I had to make everyone sign a confidentiality report. Adam, one of the higher up PAs, gave me my own walkie-talkie. Pretty neat.I spent the rest of the day doing more runs and hanging out with Hannah at crafts services. There was a lot of downtime during filming for me, so I got to hang out with the other PAs, Adam and Aaron, who were really cool guys and very friendly and funny. I honestly didn't expect some of the people to be so nice. There were some older people there who were nice and smiley to me, I guess it's because I was a new face, not to mention I was the only other girl on set other than Hannah. Everyone pretty much knew each other from other projects.

I got to hear a lot of interesting stories from PAs and grips on their first jobs or some disaster of a production they worked on as well as some great advice from the older, more experienced PAs. Adam, who looked like he was my age, but was probably in his late 20s told me not get disheartened by the film people who will try to get me down. He said that there are a lot of people out there who no longer find passion in their work so all they do is try to alienate the newbies, tell them to find work in something else.

They were really psyched that I got this PA job only two weeks out of college. What scared me though is that Adam has been a PA for four years now. That's a really long time. And he's missed rent for the past 2 months. Aaron, another grip, was super nice. He's a huge guy, like a football player, and he was really funny. While they were setting up for another shot, he said to me, "Don't just stand there watching! Just follow my lead. You’re learning nothing out here [outside the set]. You won’t be in the way. You’ll never learn anything if you’re outside." I told him that I didn't want to step on any toes, but he insisted that I help. He was real nice.

One of the aspects I learned that I must possess in this industry is the ability to flirt. Maybe there's a better term for it, but my vocabulary isn't stellar. I think "schmooze" is also an associated term, but is sounds really asinine and Hollywood, but flirting covers a bunch of bases that "schmoozing" doesn't. Basically, you have to know how to make other people feel good about themselves, to know how to joke around not to mention who to joke around with and who to be serious with. And it ranges from varying degrees, so it could be something small just like looking the person in the eye, smiling, and being very personable to poking fun at a person in a nice way. Either way, you have to be LIKEABLE and presentable, approachable and open, and sometimes the way to be likeable is to flirt, whether it's with guys or girls. It also means being genuinely interested in the other person by asking questions about them, really listening to their stories.

I'm average at this, but I think I can really hone this in as I start working more.

Okay, Part 2 in a bit.

grad party

Or should I say practice for my future wedding?

Last Saturday's grad party was pretty huge. Mom likened it to a debut, which is a huge party when a Filipino girl turns 18. This was better than a debut because it probably was way cheaper than one and I didn't have to learn how to dance, haha.

We had it at a Chinese restaurant in Cerritos. 14 tables of people! Crazy. Mom set up a table with all my grad photos, from grade school through college. Embarrassing. I greeted people as they entered and told them where to sit. We even had assigned seating!

The food was good, and I think everyone had a good time. I was seated with all my friends from school. EVERYONE LOVED THE CAKE! It was honestly the best cake I've had in a long time. And I'm not a cake fan. Got it at King's Hawaiian bakery. People were getting seconds and thirds. They designed a movie screen on it with curtains and all and my name in the middle. It was nice.

After, all my girlfriends came over and we opened up a bottle of Coppola (not the Rubicon, I'm saving that for later!). Then we saw "Star Trek" at the Garden Walk in Anaheim. This was my 3rd time seeing the film, but one of my friends hadn't seen it, so we decided to see it again at the Sky Lobby which is 21 and over so you can drink in the theater. Plus no annoying teenagers.

So, overall, what an amazing way to celebrate the end of formal education. When my aunt said grace before eating lunch at my grad party she announced to everyone that I had graduated cum laude. Everyone started clapping and yelling, and it was nice. I haven't been telling people just because I don't want them to know, and I didn't think it was a big deal, but I guess it really is. People were surprised and really happy for me.

Mom was telling people how I went to Paris and lived there for a year, and everyone was like, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you do that?" It's like they saw me with different eyes after hearing about these things. None of it would've been possible if I didn't have such a supportive and loving family who believed in my dreams of living in Paris and studying film.

I feel so super blessed and lucky. There are times where I stay up all night thinking, "What did I do to deserve all this? To experience this?" And it just boggles my mind.

What also keeps me up at night?...How do I pay it all back?

PA job

Scored a paying PA (production assistant) job for one day! Pretty cool.

steps toward professionalism

Did some impromptu networking in the past couple of days. My cousin's husband knows a guy working down here and got me in contact with him. We had a phone "interview". I was nervous at first, but he was really nice and willing to get me in touch with the right people. It really helps if I smile while talking on the phone. I feel like it travels through the receiver, that he can read my excitement in my voice or even that trepidation. I felt like I was charming and funny, maybe more than usual, because he was laughing at my jokes. So that's a good sign.

I told him what I was interested in doing and that my plan for the year is to just to learn and experience and figure out what I want to do then try and focus on that. He said that that was a good plan and what he did out of college since he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Casting and locations interest me right now, and he's got friends in those areas. He's also working on a commercial in the coming weeks, and he's going to find out if I can help out. He's not sure yet since companies usually don't want people knowing about their product, but I said that he's done enough already and I was sincerely grateful.

Met another guy at my ex-roomie's grad party. We lived together 3 years ago. Anyway, he works on a well-known reality tv show. He gave me his card, but I didn't have any to give him! Oh well. He was nice and gave good advice and said he could send me and Cat PA (production assistant) jobs our way.

Only thing was this: I was wearing a slightly low-cut dress at the party, and the dude was super tall, and I could tell he was checking me out sometimes, you know? And I wasn't bothered by it, in fact, I was actually quite flattered because he didn't come off as a douchebag during the 15 minutes we talked about film, he was actually a genuinely nice guy and not the "let's take advantage of the new person here to Hollywood" type guy. I'd like to think I've got a good barometer for these things. Not to say I judge a person within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, but I can get a feel for what a person's like and this feeling changes the more I get to know him.

I'm also finally seeing how appearance works into these things. Not that I was never aware of it, but it never really applied to me until now. I just want to be charming and smart, well-spoken and witty, and I want that to be the main attraction, something that people remember about me, and maybe my weird, slight cuteness helps too. I don't know. I just wish that was the way if works instead of physical appearances determining everything.

Moving on, I finally made business cards at Moo, and they look AMAZING, according to the computer screen. I don't have them physically yet. They're sort of my grad gift to myself since they're slightly expensive (50 for $21.99, although I found a link for 15% discount). I had 100 made. I'll probably just save them for "important" people (God, I'm Hollywood already). Meaning, people I really want to impress in the "industry" will get them.

I took some film-related photos that I've taken over the years and put them on the back of the card. The front of the card has my info. 50 of them have a photo of me looking through a Bolex camera. It's one of my favorites. Also, 50 of them have this on it:

We met on (insert date)
@ (insert film shoot)

So that people can remember what film shoot they met me on and what date. I got that idea from a friend's business card that had a blank line on it for him to fill out the shoot name. We'll see if it flies. I've been looking for inspiration in films for business cards, and I particularly liked this one in "Ocean's Eleven":
I love the simple, classic look of it. Then Danny just writes whatever on the back that the person needs to know. Raised lettering sounds expensive though, so maybe next time when I start making moneys.

Also, I've avoided pigeon-holing myself by writing "writer" on the business card. People will just think that's my focus, so I left the position blank. Once I figure out what it is, then it'll be time to make new cards, but these ones are going to be great for now.

post-grad life

I've never realized how much stuff I had until I actually packed it all up. I loaded my whole car and the back of a truck. I did have a futon and a bed frame and bed along with a desk, but it was pretty overwhelming to pack it all for the last big move.

I'm back in so cal and still not used to the weather. Went to my friend's commencement which took place in the noon sun (whose power I've completely underestimated), and I got sunburned on my shoulders. Forgot to put SPF there! Cher graduated in Health Sciences and will most likely go into nursing.

I'm quite taken aback by the lovely graduation presents I've been receiving, all of which are extremely generous. Remember when I wrote about my visit to Napa with Stacy? There, I mentioned an amazing bottle of wine: the Rubicon 2005. Auntie Fely, a devoted reader ever since my Paris blog, sent me a bottle!!! Thanks so much Auntie! I'm saving it for a while, and you need to be here when it's opened! I just want to graduate every year if I could for the presents.

The grad party Mom is planning for me is underway, also a huge deal. She invited a lot of people and likened it to a "wedding". It's going to be that huge. I usually don't care for huge shindigs, but I'm actually excited for this because I can make a proper Oscar-like speech after dinner and thank people. God, I forgot to tell you how horrible my speech at the Cinema department party was. What a disaster. I hadn't eaten, and the only thing I had in my stomach was wine. Yikes. Anyway, I'm going to make a better speech.

So far, post-life grad is pretty...chill. I've been unpacking, cleaning, fixing things, and just trying to put everything in order because I can't function or work if my room is in a disarray. No word from any internships, but I might sign up for this entertainment workshop thingy which I hope opens some doors or gets to let me peek at doors at least. Will head to Cinegear next week to get some free film magazines and maybe some info on internships there. It's a Paramount Studios which I'm excited about.

commencement

Commencement went really well. I'm so glad I had Catherine with me so that we could make fun of the speeches or laugh at things. God, I don't think I would have made it without her.

Everyone kept telling me to cheer up today. I don't know why but events like these make me really sad. Graduations and birthdays. Of course it's the whole growing up thing that probably stresses me out and never lets me enjoy it, and I hate that it's a big deal and that it's supposed to be about me, and I know that it's something that matters to my parents and my family, but I don't like the attention.

For a split second this morning, I wondered what everyone would say if I didn't go, if I just stayed under the sheets or went to the beach or the movies and just didn't show up. God, they'd be so mad at me. But it's those acts of rebellion that make me feel free. Not showing up to something like graduation would be a huge thing, but I've done smaller things that still made me feel free and in control. In the end there's that intense, crushing guilt that comes with it, but it's temporary.

Going to the Cinema Department party made me realize how many people I didn't befriend over the years. God, it's just so freaking hard for me to be friends with anyone and I hate how selective I am, but in all honesty I can't stand a lot of people or pretend to be anyone's friend hoping they'd do me a solid in the future. I can't function like that. It takes maybe a good three years for someone to become my friend. Or we have to share an experience together, like the year I spent abroad and became close with the girls I had met before in SF, but didn't get to really know until we lived in Paris. And it's the wrong type of personality to come into this "industry". Jeffrey Tambor (of "Arrested Development" fame) gave a succinct yet poignant speech in which he said: "Love yourself. Be yourself. Love your partner in life and you kids..." I keep thinking it's going to be really hard to be myself when I'm not the type of person that belongs.

Crap, I'm scared. I really am. This is it.

what a wonderful world

Technology is amazing. I take it for granted a lot of the time.

There was a slight fiasco with the phone being delivered to my house. I was at school when it came yesterday and totally missed it. I called to see if I could pick it up at Fedex. It's possible, but it wasn't under my name, it's under my sis-in-law's since I'm under her plan. Ugh, I really dislike the dudes at Verizon up here. Just a bunch of young guys who look like they went to school together and are huge pals and decided to open up a Verizon. They also talked to me as if I was one of those girls who's drunk enough to drop her expensive phone in the toilet. NO! That did NOT happen to me! I was being amazing and adventurous, and my phone fell in a LAKE when my canoe capsized! That's right! Blurg. Not that that's any better...Anyway...

So if I were to pick it up at Fedex, only she could sign for it since it's addressed for her. Whereas if it came to my apartment, it wouldn't matter as long as anyone could sign for it.

The guy on the phone at Fedex was really helpful and scheduled another delivery for today since that would be the only way the phone could get into my hands. The package could be here anytime from now to 7pm. He gave me a tracking number, and for the past 3 hours or so I've been tracking every move of my package which contains my new phone. Right now it's on a truck, scheduled for delivery. I only hope that the front door to my building is unlocked when he gets here so that he can come to my door. I put up a sign asking people to leave it propped open.

Honestly, it's kind of nice not having a phone. I feel lighter without it. I mean, now I only carry these things in my purse:

-wallet
-pen
-small Molekine journal
-lip balm
-pepper spray
-hand sanitizer

That's like pre-fantastic technology era! Before we even had cell phones! But for safety reasons, I do like having it around in case I'm in a jam.

I only have ONE FINAL left, and then my college career is over. How odd.

The year 2009 will now be divided into "pre-canoe" and "post-canoe"

Pre-canoe:

* hiked short, beginners trails (1 mile or less)
* never canoed or even rowed a boat before
* only slightly serious about living an active lifestyle
* woke up at 8:30am naturally

Post-canoe:

* hiked 3.43 miles across moderate trails, climbing 1000ft. Planning to do longer trails with possible overnight camping
* some canoeing experience (hah), but I want to do it again and do it right next time
* very serious about an active (outdoorsy) lifestyle (i.e. camping at least once a month, serious hiking every other weekend)
* waking up at 7:00am naturally

It's funny how one episode can change a lot of things...

the canoe incident

El, Em, Claire, Eileen and I rented a rowboat and canoe for the hour on our first day at the lake. Claire and El were in the rowboat because they wanted to fish, and me, Em, and Eileen were in the canoe.

We first headed against the current towards the northwest side of the lake so that when we turned around, we might have some wind to bring us back. It was going really very well, especially since we’re all non-canoers. We had lifevests, but I didn’t wear mine (like an idiot) because I feel comfortable swimming (more comfy than I should feel).

We were getting cocky, maybe going a bit more faster than we should. The current was getting stronger and making us veer right, and too counter it we all put our oars to paddle on the right. All three of us must’ve simply leaned to far to the right and the next thing you know, we capsized.

I was pulled under into the green murky water. I opened my eyes, and it was the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen. I can still see it. Up above this bubbly froth like just poured beer. I oriented myself and began to swim up.

I took a breath. The feeling wasn’t panic. Looking back, that wasn’t what I felt. It was excitement. I was excited, and I began to laugh to myself. Maybe it was that sort of nervous, crazy laugh you let out when you realize that you just avoided an accident that could’ve seriously hurt yourself or someone else.

I saw Em and Eileen bobbing away in their lifevests. They were okay. I swam towards the canoe along with Em. Eileen just let the current take her and didn’t swim to us. I looked for my pack that I had with my cell, digital camera, and ipod. It bobbed with the current just a few feet beyond the canoe. I watched it bob there for a beat. It was clear to me that I wasn’t upset. That’s the weird thing. Over 500 hundred dollars in electronics are taking in that murky green lake water you find so beautiful, Elaine. You’ve lost your ability to contact people, capture memories, and listen to music. And you’re not upset?

No, no, no, I’m not. But I can’t dissect this right now. Not while I’m treading water and holding onto an overturned canoe. All I know is that right then and there, I felt this incredible joy that comes maybe to people who like things destroyed. Like a Fight Club moment, if I could sort of give it a name and familiar context. I felt incredibly free.

We hung there for a while until someone from the dock had seen and sent someone.

Some teenager named Jimmy with blonde hair and crooked teeth came. He tried to pull me onto the boat, but it didn’t have anything to hold to, only this slippery, metal sliding that nothing could grab at. My legs tremble at the thought. Nothing more futile than my feet trying to grab onto that smooth metal, then slipping down into that murky green. It’s like those sad cartoon villains trying to climb up a falling ladder.

He grabbed my arms so tightly and roughly, I have the bruises that battered women are familiar with. El later remarked that I look like I had been manhandled. I’ll have a story to fabricate for my self-defense teacher.

I simply didn’t have the upper arm strength to get myself up (note to self: work on that later). Em didn’t even try. Eileen was so far away some good samaritans on kayaks brought her over as she held onto their craft.

“You girls are just going to hold onto the boat while we motor to the dock.” Immediate thought: OH MY GOSH! This is going to be like an action film! I’m James Bond! I’m John McClane! This is the bad guy’s boat!

Funny how no women action heroes sprung to mind…

As soon as we got close, Em and I swam to the boat ramp and walked up. Eileen stayed in the water. Maybe she was embarassed as some people near the dock seemed to stare in wonder. City slickers, they’re thinking. One man getting ready to fish asked if I was okay. I said yeah and smiled.

Even if it was an accident, I’m glad it happened. I liked my reaction to it. Em and Eileen like that they have a funny camping store to tell, and I like the way I feel about things now, how I feel about myself. Falling out of that canoe was as much a baptism as any other babe being anointed with oil and water. Things feel and will be different from now on. I know I write that a lot, but it's true every time.

packed

Camping this weekend with friends.

I'm just so excited to get away. From school, finals, grad stuff. Even internet and the use of my phone (which won't work where we're going). I really need this right now, time to be with friends and in nature. Then when I get back I'll focus on school.

Woke up early to take Stacy to SFO. She's flying to Cannes to work at the film festival there. She's been a really great friend to me, and I'm so happy for her. She has this drive that I really lack sometimes, and she's great at networking. She wants to be a film promoter and be in charge of film festivals. Asian film festivals, specifically. She's going to be really great.

Went to some screenings at the SF International Film Festival: An Evening with Robert Redford where Redford appeared and talked about his body of work and they showed Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,
and the west coast premiere of Moon, which I can't recommend enough. If you like sci-fi space thrillers, you'll dig this. And Sam Rockwell was great.

Funny thing that happened at Moon: I was sitting by myself looking very pathetic while people were either in groups or in couples. I must've really stood out because I sat at the far left of the theater alone. This bearded guy up front kind of facing the audience was staring at me. Oh God, I thought, how embarrassing. It's weird, back in Paris I was alright going to a film alone, but this time felt different. Anyway, this bearded guy ended up being Duncan Jones who is the writer and director and there to talk about the film--also he's David Bowie's son.

It was just hilarious in hindsight because the film deals with loneliness in space, and here I was, you know, loneliness on earth. Like you didn't even need the idea of space and its environment to really convey loneliness. Hah.

write, graduate, write

I sliced my right pinky finger up really bad with a papercut the other day, and it's taking a long time to heal. Never knew papercuts could do so much damage. I was walking out of self defense class, and I reached in to grab my ringing cell phone when a handout for aerosol self-defense sprays scared the hell out of me. The reaction was quick, it felt like a black hole formed in my stomach taking my breath, all light, all good away. It bled so quickly! I was almost transfixed by it.

Ever since I got the cut, it's been really hard to write longhand. The band-aid hinders me from naturally forming my hand's writing stance which takes a semi-fist post when I'm really into what I'm writing, which is all the time. I knew then that if even one small thing like a papercut could bug me, could you imagine if my hand got cut off? I don't want to, but I considered it for a second: it would be so hard for me to write even begin to write. I could learn to write with my left, but it wouldn't be the same. I could type, but even then I feel my voice would be different. It's interesting to me that I do so much writing with my hand rather than my head.

There was a Cinema alumni panel yesterday that I didn't go to. Figured it would be equal parts helpful and depressing. Like the year before, and the year before that. All the advice was the same, and none of it applied to me. Anyway, Cat got a job, and she's telling me how everything's run at the studios where she works. That's been helpful. I will come to LA ready. I want the experience to shape me just as Paris made me who I am now. What am I supposed to become? To do? I'll figure this out in time. \

By the way, I found my graduation dress:
I think it's cute and old-timey. It's coming in the mail. If I don't like it, I'll have to look some more.

Napa Day Trip

My good friend Stacy is leaving in a couple of weeks to work at the Cannes Film Festival, so as a graduation/bon voyage gift, I took her on a day trip to Napa Valley. Which is fitting since we saw Francis Ford Coppola speak, and she was the one that really got me my seat and ticket. Coppola talked about how his day job as a winery owner has really helped get his personal films made, and that if we want our own films to be made, we should get day jobs.

So this past Tuesday, I surprised Stacy by telling her that we'll go to the Rubicon Winery in Rutherford to visit Coppola's winery. It was originally the Niebaum, and then the Niebaum-Coppola when Coppola bought it, but now it's the Rubicon.

It was a beautiful drive, and when we got there we had just missed the tour by 10 minutes and the next one would be an hour or so later. We decided that if we were planning on drinking, we better get some food first. The lady at the desk was so nice, and she recommended a restaurant that sounded really expensive. It was across the street, but she really made a point for me not to cross the highway since there have been so many accidents. She told me where to go to make a safe U-turn. It was really caring of her to be so insistent.

Opting to save our money though, we drove down the highway and closer to town to eat at Taylor's Automatic Refresher. Their burgers and fries are so good. They use these spongy yellow buns for their burgers. Mmmm. Stacy is Chinese and from the Midwest, so it kind of gets her upset when she doesn't see Asian people like us around. It made her so happy when she saw a Japanese couple come to Taylor's, haha.

We chilled there for a bit, then headed back to the winery. We looked at all the artifacts before our tour started, mostly film stuff in the main lobby like zoetropes, magic lanterns, and even Carmine Coppola's Oscar from TThe Godfather II!
For the tour, it was only me and Stacy and our guide Ken. At first we thought we were late for the tour, but they just thought no arrived yet! Pretty cool that we beat the crowds and got our own personal tour guide. The cost for the tasting and tour is $25 and that includes 5 tastings and access to the museum part of the Rubicon estate. You get this "passport" looking guide that has some of the history and a section where you can write about the wines you tasted.

Ken took us to this giant room filled with large barrels and told us about the history of the estate starting with Gustave Niebaum. He then showed us some of the grounds and even pointed out where Coppola lives when he's here. We told him we were film students, so he was really into talking about Coppola. He even said his son was a film student at one time, but decided to go to culinary school.

Ken dropped us off at the tasting bar where there were some people there, and he said that if we wanted we could go to Mamarella's--the other bar at the end of the mansion. We said we'd stop by. Jennifer was our wine server, and she was so nice and sweet. She told us about all of the wines and was really talkative. I guess because we were super talkative and all the other couples were just into drinking. Stacy told her we were film students and she said that the people who work here have a inside joke because Coppola bought a section of the estate after The Godfather II and the remaining estate after he made Bram Stoker's Dracula. So the ongoing joke is that he bought this place with "blood money".

These are the wines we tried:
1. Captain's Reserve Chardonnay 2007 ($30/bottle)
2. Captain's Reserve Pinot Noir 2006 ($38/bottle)
3. Captain's Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 ($52/bottle)
4. CASK Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 ($75/bottle)
5. Rubicon 2005 ($145/bottle)

I'm not a wine snob, and I've always didn't care about the price reflecting the wine, but OH. MY. GOD. That Rubicon at $145/bottle was AMAZING. Me and Stacy just looked at each other speechless and Jennifer who was there to read our reactions just smiled. It wasn't tannic, and it was full-bodied and rich. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. At that moment I realized what a beautiful thing wine is. It hit me then and there and really opened my eyes. Like tea, it has a rich history dating before Christ, and I've always loved things with history. God, I'll never forget that wine. When I get some extra money somehow, I'm splurging on a bottle of Rubicon 2005. I read a little about it later, but supposedly 2005 was a very good year.

Jennifer recommended we try some of the Sofia wines since they're best cold and it's such a hot day. We went to Mamarella's to see Ken, and he was there behind the bar. He immediately took out 2 cold wine glasses and poured us some Sofia Blanc de Blancs which is a sparkling white wine named after Coppola's daughter, Sofia. He said he was sorry that he didn't think anyone showed up for the tour and for making us wait. We only waited 5 minutes, not that bad, but we accepted the free glass of wine anyway. It was really nice of him. We talked a bit, and learned that Ken's kids were in a scene in Mrs. Doubtfire! They were the two Asian boys who watch Robin Williams change disguises for the social worker from across the street, haha. I remember that scene perfectly. The bar soon got crowded with a large group, so we went outside and sat and talked. Stacy calculated that we drank 3 glasses of wine each! So we stayed and talked and drank water and just enjoyed they weather until I was okay to drive.

All in all, what a great time! After this experience, wine will never be the same to me again. It was like watching Sideways with a new pair of eyes. I think I appreciate wine more than ever.

Coppola on Everything Cinema

So Tuesday was probably the best day of the semester EVER. Francis Ford Coppola came to speak at our school, and guess who was second in line to get into the theater. MOI! Thanks to my good friend, Stacy, who was first, I actually cut in line. But I don't care. I usually am good about that stuff, being fair, but I'm letting this one time go.

We sat second row center. When he came out, he was greeted with much applause and a standing ovation. He wore a gray suit and light orange button down shirt, and when he sat, you could see his orange socks. Lovely. I was pretty much face to face with the man, and sometimes he'd make eye contact with me which was AMAZING, it was like he was giving advice only to me, haha.

Besides being one of the greatest directors of our time, he is funny, humble, and so amazingly down to earth. He was brutally honest about the state of cinema today: the crossing over from film to digital; independent film; the hardships of financing. He also gave some great advice on writing and directing. I think my favorite bits where the stories he told about his screentest with Marlon Brando, working in San Francisco, and his childhood. Hearing him speak was like listening to an older and much wiser person giving you advice on your future.

I sat there, letting it all in and furiously scribbling in notes and quotes into my notebook. I think he noticed. I think the quote I liked best that I scribbled down was the one he ended his talk with:

It’s not worth thinking if you have talent. You have passion; you do what you love. It will take care of itself. Do beautiful things. If you do beautiful things, money will come, it will follow.

Coppola coming in and speaking could not have come at a better time what with my graduation around the corner.

time to breathe

Things have been getting crazy. Classes feel like they're winding down, and before I attack a paper and a take-home midterm due on Thursday, I wanted to write.

Easter weekend was great, I went to Tilden Park in the east bay for my nephew' 1st birthday. He's adorable. Looks like baby Orlando Bloom. Ate loads of delicious food. I was also given ONE job: hide the Easter eggs.

Turn out I hid all the eggs on a hill infested with poison oak. Woops. Nobody got it, but a lot of kids were upset when they found out they couldn't have even more sugar in their bodies. YOU'RE WELCOME, PARENTS.

I've been walking a lot, specifically in this area where LOADS of people walk dogs. Even canine rescue centers take their dogs there, so you'll see one person walking as much as 10 dogs. It's really hilly and pretty, a great walk, and plus I get to see all the dogs!! I really want a dog, preferably one from a shelter. Anyway, this will do since some dogs come up to me and say hi. One time, this one dog thought I was his owner! I kind of looked like her, and we had the same built. He realized I wasn't her, and he ran away, haha.

Today's a really cool day because Francis Ford Coppola is speaking at my school. WOW! I'm getting there early. Next week, Disney ABC is doing a presentation for internships at my school. If I could land something at Disney, who's based in Burbank, that would be great. Kuya told me I could live at his house in Northridge which is close, and I won't have to deal with a huge commute to my parents' house near Orange County. That would be perfection.

I've been talking to people who are ready to graduate, and everyone has some sort of plan that's pretty laid out, whether it's moving to another city to find work, leave the country to work abroad, or apply for grad school. My plan is pretty similar with Susie's: Find whatever job that will support ourselves and let us have our weekends to do the things we want, learn from the job, and make decisions from there.

I've found that I'm not good at long range planning, but I more comfortable with planning (or having an idea of a plan) for the next couple of months and having a framework of goals within that year or so. My friend Stacy has the next 3 years already planned. I can't look that far. I guess my goal is to be able to sustain myself, be happy, have time for the family and friends, and do work that I love.

update: returning to nature

Sorry it's been a long time. Remember how I used to update daily on my Paris blog? That was certainly a different era.

So this whole camping trip in a couple of weeks has got me thinking how much I really want to get back into nature. During break, I asked Kuya to take me to REI so I can get fitted with some decent hiking boots. I even got a lifetime membership there. I got the Merrell Sirens, and they're super comfy and light.

Yesterday, I went on a very basic, level 1 hike at Lands End. I use the word "hike" loosely because there were people there "hiking" in Converses which have no support at all. I LOVED it. There were people out walking their dogs--there was this huge, adventurous German Shepherd going up inclines even I wouldn't dare do--and it was beautiful and sunny, and it was just probably one of the most favorite things I've done in this city which is not saying much since I haven't done too much here.

Anyway, I'm super stoked for camping and for hiking longer and more challenging trails. I even bought a California hiking trails guide book. Didn't realize there were so many trails!

Currently waiting to hear back on some film internships for the summer. Wish me luck!

birthday weekend

Had breakfast with the twins, El and Em, on Saturday and then headed to the North Face sale with Em to see if anything good was there. I told them about the pants I bought for hiking/camping, and they were very interested. As I mentioned before, we're going camping together in April, and I'm very excited.

My cousin Ellen's celebrated her birthday this past weekend. Went over to Vallejo and me and her friends all drove to Davis to eat at this sushi buffet. The place was called Fuji Sushi. It was pretty deece for the price, $16.95. I really like Davis. If I went to a UC, Davis would be on my list. It's a bike friendly town.

Slept at Ellen's and the next morning me, her, and my other cousin Amy-Sue went to breakfast in old town Vallejo at Good Day Cafe. It was very good. Then we walked around and peeked in all the antique shops. I drove back afterwards because I was having friends over.

I invited some Paris buddies over for pizza since it's been a while since we've all been together. Seems like we just went back to our regular lives or have been so caught up with other things, I know I have. I mean, I barely blog here! It was nice having them over, I feel really indebted to them for making my Paris year bearable during the hard times and enjoyable for 99% of the time.

family time

Went last weekend to Vallejo to stay with my aunt and cousin. We were going to road trip to Porterville to see my Uncle. It's the one year death anniversary of my Grandma's sister, who I also call Grandma.

Auntie took me to see a movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." It was alright. It had some bits I liked. Then she took me to eat thai food at this amazing restaurant in Benicia. I really like Benicia, it has this small town feel.

We woke up early the next morning and drove with my other cousins down to Porterville. Along the 5 there were so many of these trees that were blossoming. They looked like cherry blossoms, but they were almond trees. I wanted to stop and take photos, but I forgot my camera.
When we got to Porterville, we had the prayer and then we ate lunch. I love Grandma's house because it still has that old furniture in it, modern technology as we know of it today never really got through the door here. Instead all the couches face each other rather than the tv, lots of interesting knickknacks and so forth. We talked and ate and laughed. Mom was even joking with Auntie and she playfully hit her and Auntie's cake fell all over the carpet. And then they didn't even clean it! They're like kids sometimes when they're together.

Afterwards, I wanted to get up and do something so I suggested we go to the backyard. They have lots of fruit trees, and I saw this humongous pomelos so I thought it would be fun if we poked at it to make it fall. Dad caught me, and he opened it up and we all had a taste, it was so good. Then I started picking oranges and lemons. It was nice.

I drive back up with my Aunt and cousins while my parents drove back to LA. We stopped at a roadside stand to buy strawberries, and luckily we were by some almond trees! So I took a photo with my cell phone. Ah, technology.

The next day, Ellen, my cousin, took me to Joy of Eating, probably the best breakfast place in Vallejo. So good. They make their own bread. It's a greasy spoon kind of place. I also went to the North Face outlet. They had a sale, and I got a fleece pullover and these great hiking pants that turn into shorts or capris! I'm going camping next month with some friends, and I want to be prepared. And this is going to be real camping, like in a tent. I'm so used to sleeping in an RV. I'm really excited for this!

Jimmy Eat World

I went to see Jimmy Eat World on their "Clarity" 10th Anniversary tour at the Fillmore. They're doing 10 shows playing "Clarity" from front to back. I absolutely LOVE that album. I remember the first time I listened to it, it was on a drive to San Francisco with my brother. The whole album just clicked with me and just driving across that flat farmland...it was perfection.

I went alone, which is weird, especially when you're standing around waiting for the band to play or between sets. It ended up being really cool because a group of lovely boys stood behind me and sang their hearts out, and they were really good! I stood pretty close, in between Jim (the singer) and Tom (guitarist). And they're also the cutest. After they played "Clarity", they came back out and sang a few more songs, including my favorite "Sweetness". And guess who looked at me while he sang, "Sinking into sweet uncertainty! Oooohhoooohhhoh!" JIM! Oh, it was so lovely. It was nice.

I feel like I can cross one of the bucket list.

rainy!

The rain reminds me of Paris a lot. Went downtown to meet a friend to visit the MOMA. First she said she was going to be an hour late, which was fine. I could get some new stationery that I needed, get a cup of coffee and just write away while people watching. Then she says she can't make it anymore, her friend (who's here visiting, hence the trip to museum) has to return something at Forever 21 and then they have an eyebrow waxing appointment with some "Russian lady that's supposed to be really great" at Nordstroms. Blurg.

I got my coffee, wrote my letter, then headed back home.

Usually I would have gone to the museum by myself, but I was kind of not feeling too great anyway, so I went home. Yesterday was my hardcore workout day. Weightlifting back at the house for 30 minutes and then 2 hours of kicking butt at my self defense class. Lots of punching, kicking, and blocking. And we have to scream when we fight. It's an intimidation thing. I really like that class, and the teacher is so funny.

School has been pretty deece. I had a little scare with my requirements to graduate, but it ended up working out. At night, I've been trying to curb all my interweb wanderings and instead I have taken up calligraphy! I bought a workbook, kind of like the ones we used when we first learned how to do cursive, with my 40% off Borders coupon and some calligraphy markers at Office Depot.

I think what prompted me to get into calligraphy was the film "Hero" which we watched in Chinese Cinema. Broken Sword, a great assassin, was a master of calligraphy and of swordplay, and the two are intertwined. Anyway, it's a great way to relax, almost like meditation, and I can't wait to use it on cards and letters and such.

"O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

That's Hamlet. I can't sleep at night. I have such bad dreams. I don't know if it's stress or that in my Film and Holocaust class we see some messed up stuff on that film screen (stuff never seemed so big on that screen as it does in other film classes). I get these moments. I call them "car crash" moments. I had one in Paris when I spilled the Coke at that cafe, do you remember, Paris friends? And it was all in slow motion, and all my friends reacted more quickly than I did. These moments make me ask myself, "What am I ignoring in my life? What needs attention?"

It happened again, only this time it wasn't some Coke that I spilled, I almost got in a car accident that could've been pretty bad. I avoided it, but it shook me up. I really shouldn't drive when I feel so weird and tense. God, I'm still thinking how bad it could've been.

Anyway, I just don't feel myself lately. I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I just can't wait till this semester's over. This is probably my least favorite semester.

flight jitters and dreams

I always feel sick on my flights back to SF. Maybe it was because it was raining and cloudy and a bit bumpy. Maybe it's because my flight was delayed due to a power outage at Long Beach airport, and I had deja vu that this was supposed to happen. Maybe it's because I'm finally back in Kansas after a fun weekend in Oz.

How I long to be back in Oz.

Power went out at the airport, and I was still sitting at the gate, thank God. Flight 242 to NYC was still on the tarmack, and those poor people had to stay on the plane for over an hour before taking off. I felt so sorry for them. I wouldn't be able to stand it, I get so claustrophobic.

I once thought I had a "dream"-I'll explain the quotes later--that I was in a darkened airport, not too full of many people. I was sitting with my baggage holding a book. The main action I remember was seeing a man with a backpack walk towards me. And that was the end of it.

I call it a "dream" because I thought it was a dream only it didn't feel like a dream. It was more like a memory that I had forgotten, but it never happened. I'd never been in a darkened airport. I never in my waking moments would imagine myself in a darkened airport. So what was this memory, this feeling?

I've got a bad case of paramnesia. I get deja vu at least 4 times a year. The last time I had it I actually remember the exact moment I had the "dream" right when it happened. Sophomore year I saw myself writing a paper for the film "Aliens". I was taking Film History I that year and was nowhere near writing a paper for "Aliens". I thought to myself, "That didn't happen! When would that ever happen?" Three years later--also known as last semester when I was taking Science Fiction Film, I would write a paper on "Aliens". Imagine that. So trippy. I can't get over it. Can I see into the future? Has everything already been planned out for me? Do I get any say? Is everything I do something God wants me to do?

Anyway, on some trivial matters, I looked really cute today. I have never looked this cute. I could've been on The Sartorialist. Nah, just kidding. I wore a gray v-neck shirt, my new tweedy skirt over black tights, and black high top Converses. Add a wool pea coat for good warm measure. I carried my old-timey suitcase. When I got to the airport, an airport security guy asked me if I was heading back to the East Coast. Imagine that! Me an East coast girl! I've been saying "Imagine that" a lot, I do apologize. But that felt pretty cool. Most of the girls in So Cal dress the same anyway.

pizza, needless shopping, and more biking

Went out with Catherine to the mall to hang out. She needed to get some things for her friend's bridal shower--her friend is our age and getting married!--and I just wanted to hang out.

She wanted some clothes, and gosh, I couldn't help myself either. I got a cropped hooded jacket in a bright chartreuse. I usually don't go for bright things, but I could wear this when I bike. And it was on sale. Also a cute tweed skirt and a tweedish cardigan, also on sale. At least they were on sale. Catherine got a purple blouse to wear for the shower.

We ate pizza at California Pizza Kitchen at the mall and had lots of fun just talking about the usual: movies, funny happenings, our plans. We're going to hang out more when I go home for spring break next month. We plan to go to FIDM's exhibit on all the costumes from films from 2008. They have the costumes from "The Fall"! I'm really excited about that.

I got home, donned on my new jacket, and went for another bike ride. Went to Target to get some coffee at their Starbucks. They also have a counter that overlooks the parking lot, so it's great for people watching. Read "The Stand" until I finished coffee then I biked back.

I always have to go back up this huge hill when I bike home, but at the top is a park. Right when I got to the park I found a shady spot, put up the bike kickstand, and I just collapsed onto the grass and watched the clouds while listening to Sigur Ros. It was really nice. This was like the perfect day. Hanging out with my friend, pizza, shopping, coffee, bike, and the park. And musics. Everything about this day was perfection.

Valentine's day

I had a pretty deece Valentine's day.

Stayed with my Grandma while Mom and Dad bought groceries and lunch. They came home with a tiny jar of honey for me! They know I like it with my tea.

I went for a bike ride to this Boba place that's 2 miles away, but it's the closest boba. I ended up just getting a peach iced tea that was really good. There's a place that makes chocolates next to it, and it was packed with people buying some last minute gifts. I sat outside with my bike and Stephen King's "The Stand." There was this one young guy that approached the store, but seemed a bit wary about buying chocolates. You could see the internal struggle in his face, "Should I get her chocolates? Maybe I should get her something different, it's totally unoriginal...Oh hey, there's a sale."

Catherine called while I was at the patio at the boba cafe, and we talked about her dinner party last night, which was so much fun. The waiter was really impressed by the beers we'd order and would tell us random facts about them. I wanted a pint of Hoegaarden after I had a framboise (my fave in Paris!), and he suggested I try a "bloody ho"--half framboise, half Hoegaarden. It was so good! I would definitely have it again.

I biked to the park by my house to read some more and lounge on the grass. I was heading toward a slightly shady area when it dawned upon me that I was getting pretty close to a couple's picnic. He was pouring her wine. I wanted to gag at the semi-cheesiness of it all, but it did look sweet. I went to the other side of the park. Some kids ran past me while their Dad was on the phone. They would keep saying hi to me over and over again and wave. Couldn't get through three sentences without a hi. It was really cute though.

Biked home so that I could go with Mom to church. I have this thing about church. It's going to sound totally sacrilegious...I like to find things to laugh at in church. And the weirdest tiniest things make me laugh when I'm people watching in there. There were so many things today. Like there was a man who wore sweatpants with a leather belt over them! And an old guy with a shirt that says, "My boss is a Jewish carpenter" on the back. Sometimes I try to make my Mom laugh too in church. I was looking at the church bulletin or flyer they hand out, and it has ads on the back. There was an ad for "Catholic Singles Match" dot com or something, and I pointed it out to Mom and whispered in my church whisper, "This might be my only hope." And then I had to keep my head down from laughing. Mom was not amused.

dreary weather

A pretty deece week...spent the night at my Rhean and Vilaska's place so that I could watch LOST on their tv, haha. It was very nice and hospitable of them. I only aimed to watch it there and then go home, but Rhean picked me up, Vilaska made dinner, and they let me sleep over. The next morning, Rhean took my home. It was really sweet and awesome of them.

Today I have a weekend cinema focus class. We're doing James Bond. I'm pretty excited, and glad that I could stay in since the weather right now is dreadful. On the other hand, I'm missing The Goonies playing at Castro Theatre. Bah. This should be fun anyway.

A week from now, I'll be back in southern California to celebrate Catherine's birthday. You have no idea how excited I am. The thought of going home fills me with great joy. And I miss my bike. I'm going to try and pack light. I tend to overpack on these short trips.

Revolutionary Road

Went down to the Marina Theatre with my friend Stacy to see Revolutionary Road. I liked it though it was depressing. Michael Shannon was very good, I really liked him. I think he's a bit of a hunk too actually.

We took the #28 bus, and it was a nice easy ride with no transfers or anything. I would do it again just to go down and walk across the Golden Gate bridge. I haven't done that yet. There's still so much I have to do in SF before I leave, but it doesn't have that same urgency Paris had when I had to leave there. I actually wouldn't mind if I didn't do some of the "must do" things in SF. I don't know why I want to slow down so much. Maybe it's because my tummy hurts so much.

Today, I'm going to try and add this self-defense class that Susie's in. I don't need the units, I just want to take it, and I heard the professor is like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. Just a super hardcore soldier lady.

back to school!

Hopefully for the last time ever.

No, no, no...I actually like school. The bags, the books, the school supplies. The humorous professors. It's sad that it's my last semester, but I do need to get out of here. I feel like I can't stay in a certain place for too long, unless that place is home--where the fam and friends are. It would explain me being "okay" to leave Paris when my time was up and feeling like that year was fulfilling.

Anyway, classes are off to a good start. Have a lot of great teachers. I'm taking a Horror Film class right now, and hopefully it'll help me get over my fear of horror films. Guess what: I won't be getting any sleep Thursday nights. My class is on Thursday so I get the whole Thursday night to mull over the film, let it sink in. Great. We watched The Descent, a British film about a group of girls who go spelunking. I actually really liked it. Especially the lighting, it was very well done.

I sit by myself, it's kind of sad, at most of my classes. At one point, my professor was talking about some books and he said, "The last name is Miller. Anyone know the first name?" And no one said anything, and without thinking I said to myself, "Henry." And I really drew it out, like an old British lady finally meeting the love her life that she thought she lost in the war: "Heeenrry." The professor didn't hear me, but a couple students around me did and just looked at me. It was definitely one of those many moments where I said to myself, "Elaine...you're in a public place. Watch yourself."

I've picked up bowling for a hobby, and just bought bowling shoes online. I guess ever since I inherited the bowling ball Dad found, I feel like should at least be pretty decent at it. So I went bowling by myself at my local alley. Felt like I was hiding a secret going there by myself. You know how people secretly smoke and don't want their family members to know? I felt like this was my secret.

There were mostly old people there playing in a league. The lady working there was very sweet, and I got a lane at the far end. Right near the end of my game, this guy around my age is bowling next to me! So that we shared the same ball spitter outer thing. Was she setting me up? He was not cute, too skinny and a bit of a showoff. And his own bowling ball was rainbow colored so...

LOST

Season premiere of LOST tonight. YAY! If there's any tv show I'd like to work on, it's LOST. At least LOST has a slim chance of getting canceled, unlike "Pushing Daisies."

I wore my Lost t-shirt, a Christmas gift from Catherine years ago. It features the "cursed" numbers: 4 8 15 16 23 42. I don't know which is nerdier, me wearing the t-shirt or a guy today asking me if I had the fibonacci sequence on my shirt. I guess it's a tie, although my shirt is CLEARLY not the fibonacci sequence since it doesn't follow the pattern of the number being the sum of the two numbers before it. Oh. Wait. I'm the nerd.

Have been slowly packing things up as well as going through the whole internship application process. It's been taking me a while to do the app. I've been procrastinating since I'm scared of growing up and finally taking responsibility and becoming an adult, blah blah blurg. I also am unclear as to what I want to do exactly for a job, so I'm hoping that this internship will help me figure things out. I really like being on set and playing an active role, but I also like telling stories through editing...I don't know. We'll see what hand I'm dealt this summer.

I know I should be thinking about money and finding a way to live, but all that feels secondary to me. I want to be happy with my work, I want to contribute something good, I want to work with people who share my interests and sense of humor...Gd, it feels like so much to ask, but it also feels possible.

back to SF in a couple of days

I leave in less than a week.

I don't want to leave So Cal obviously. Weather's great, I love my clean(ish) room, and my parents have high definition television. At least this is my last semester. Then I get to move back while I try to find a way to support myself in this horrendous job market. Yippee.

I'm not too afraid. I have hope that things will work out in the end, and meanwhile I'm supported by people who love me and are there to advise me when I need it. It'll be okay.

Okay, in more important matters: I hate the AC machine in my room. It looks like a robot. It is a robot. When it turns on, two openings like eyes flip up. Very disturbing. I haven't been using it since it's not that hot enough, and yet it MAKES SOUNDS. It is very loud and clunky so I'll hear it if it moves to come and hurt me in my sleep. By the by...

Things I will NOT miss:
1. the robot AC
2. loud OC girls who are not creative with their outfits
3. people who stare at me like a crazy person when I'm out riding my bike
4. seeing my parents forlorn after watching the Lakers lose a game
5. rude people at the movies who can't leave their cell phones in their pockets/purses for more than 30 minutes at a time

Things I WILL miss:
1. my bike (it was getting rusty up in SF, and it's hard to use up there with the crazy hills and all--it's a single speed and better for flat terrain)
2. fam and friends, esp. Catherine who'll be staying in So Cal
3. le soleil, bien sur
4. embarrassing my parents at Costco while I dribble basketballs down aisles and other sorts of things that make my parents laugh/be embarrassed
5. thinking I could run into a member of my fave band Thrice at a store and then not saying anything to them because I just "want to leave them alone" and then kicking myself for not taking the chance because it'll be the last chance I ever get

new trends

I have started a new fashion trend. Or maybe it's already famous, and I didn't know it.

I've been biking a lot, but I want to bike and look a bit cute and not slobbish. So I decided, why not bike shorts under a dress/skirt? That way I can still look a bit cute-ish but not have to pull down my dress all the time or worry about my undies showing. Mom says I look funny because today my dress was a little shorter than the shorts, but I like the way it looks, haha. So my "must" bike outfit consists of these things:

-bike shorts
-at least one thing "bright" so I can be seen (as a safety thing)
-sunglasses

Yup. Bought some bike shorts today. Biked to Sports Authority then to Borders to read on their patio while sipping a coffee drink. Raced back before the sun set.

Went to Savers to look for a bowling bag. Dad found a girl's bowling ball in our garage. It wasn't my Mom's, haha. It had the name "Kathi" engraved on it. We were all joking around, "WHO'S THIS KATHI!?!?!" The ball fits my hand, haha. I'm not that great at bowling, but I want to be because it's a fun "sport" that's not very active. It's like billiards. Shoot, I just remembered, I have a cue, and I don't know where it is now.

Unfortunately, no bowling bags at the thrift department store which is the only one in so cal. Maybe I'll try Goodwill. I got sucked back into the LP section. I was craving more vinyl. Bought some more classical stuff. I really like ballet music. My new fave vinyl is one that has excerpts from ballets, and it has a booklet on the background of the ballets. Pretty sweet-o. The manager walked by and was like, "Find anything good?" because I was all smiles.

set decorating

Have been de-cluttering and decorating my own "set" aka my bedroom today, as I always seem to be saying in my posts.

Took advantage of Aaron Brothers's penny sale where if you buy one frame the second frame (of equal or lesser value of course) is only a penny. I have some Thrice posters hanging out, so I decided to get some frames for them. Yay. Don't know where I'll hang them yet. The smaller one is on my dresser and will probably stay there.

Here is my old bookcase. I love stacking books like this:So messy though. So much crap. How did I happen upon all this stuff, honestly? I've moved the whole thing to make room for the "art deco" dresser that Dad found for me. I like my Ikea bookshelf, but why have Ikea when you can show off a unique dresser? Will post photos when that area is all finished.

Here is my new place for the playing of musics:I got the idea from the deco on the film The Royal Tenenbaums where in Richie's yellow tent he has a bunch of little knick knacks around his record player. I have some volcanic rock from Mt. Etna that Rosario picked up for me. A jam jar from having tea and scones in at the Orchard Tea garden in Cambridge where Virginia Woolf took tea. A wooden carving of a caribou that I found hiding in the house. On the wall are some random postcards acquired in Paris, and a letter my brother wrote to me on cardboard scraps.

Another corner of my room. And another stack of books. I think the idea of book stacking came to me in an episode of "Pushing Daisies." It actually looks different now, but I liked the direction where this was going. I've since taken off the photos from the hanging lamp, and the vinyls are by the record player now. The anime poster is gone.

I know I have a lot of stuff--as evidenced in these photos. But I can't help but attach a memory to all of these things. Tossing something out would be like tossing out a memory. A room filled with memories is just so comforting and warm to come home to.