"Wanna listen to some records?"

Dinner last night at our house with most of the fam on Mom's side. Will post photos later. We had lechon, or roasted pig. The guy we ordered it from "forgot" to roast it, and a lot of hungry people were unhappy. Fortunately, we only had to wait three hours, and we ate very little in the meantime.

After, my cousins and I went to Coffee Bean. My cousin Ellen is addicted to that place, and they don't have it where she lives. We took photos outside of ourselves jumping. I really like jumping photos. I can get pretty high, haha.

I got a record player and am currently listening to a big band record my Dad had. I love it. Will also take photos. I have some vinyl, but I haven't been able to listen to them since our really good record player in the house isn't set up. So I got this one for my apartment. It's portable with built in speakers. Have been listening to Radiohead "In Rainbows" vinyl as well, and Mom pointed out some French records she has in their collection.

Went to mall with Mom to exchange some things. I've been really into pajamas lately. Pajamas and good quality underwear. I don't know why. The textures have be really soft. So I got some good stuff at Macy's.

Am thinking of some "resolutions" for the coming year. Just some minor changes. Lately, I've been really happy. I think it's because I've been surrounded with the fam.

Also, the wedding was excellent. Reunited with some old friends who I grew up with. They're much older than me and also in the film business or at least trying to make it like me. They offered to help me out whenever I needed it. I can't believe how nice it was for them to offer that to me. I mean, I've made no effort to get in touch with them, see how they were doing...I'm just blown away. My resolutions is to try and be a better friend, even if it's just small things like remembering birthdays and sending postcards.

post-Christmas update

Christmas with the fam was amazing! I love how hilarious my family is, from my little nephews to their grandpas. My Uncle Nick was handing out fresh $20 bills to the kids and my Mom got in line, haha.

I got some pretty sweet gifts. I really didn't want anything this Christmas, I just wanted to be home with the fam and stuff my face with yummy foodstuffs. My wish came true! Mom gave me an old fountain pen that's way fancier than the ones I own, I got some MAC lipstick from sis-in-law which luckily I didn't have, and I got the blanket that I brought for white elephant back. Yay! Haha. It's super warm, it feel like I'm wrapped in some sort of fur.

I also bought myself something else since I got money back from study abroad. The huge purchase was a ticket to see Jimmy Eat World for their 10th anniversary of their album "Clarity" which made a huge impact on my life. That album is one of the reasons that I'm in film. It changed the way I felt about music, about film, about a lot of things. The only thing that stands in the way of me getting "lead my skeptic sight" tattooed somewhere on my body is my pain threshold. Listen to "Table for Glasses" and try not to cry.

My cousins are here from northern California, and we hung out yesterday. The mall was insane-o. We walked to Coffee Bean to talk and sip drinks. Saw some boys on road bikes, and that made me happy. Had pastrami sandwiches at The Hat--yummo. Kat came and we went to the mall to witness the madness. I got a really cool shirt that says "Rogue" on it but in the font of Vogue magazine's title cover. And a nerdy sweater. Both were on sale.

Today, my neighbor is getting married. We used to be really close when we were little. We're still friends, but it's not the same as before. You know how that is? It's weird because for 6 months of the year, we're the same age. I used to play MASH with her; we'd let paper and pencil design our fate. And now she's getting married. For real.

I'm going to the wedding with my parents. Writing that out makes me feel like a little kid. I expressed all this to my parents, and at first they started making fun how all my little cousins way younger than me have boyfriends. Then they said that I should travel a little more, wait a little bit before I start dating. Mom said I should get rich first, haha. You know, get my first Oscar, then I can date whoever I want!

In all honesty though, I do like where I am, and though I'd like to find someone who I feel strongly about enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him...there's so much I want to do, and I don't see that happening now. I don't even see myself with a boyfriend right now. Dad said to me while I lied face down in their bed, "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER....then have fun."

That sounds like a decent plan.

bonne hiver

It's an absolute terror being out and trying to shop, but I kind of love it. Kuya called me to go to the mall and do some of his Christmas shopping. At first I said, "Why are you sending me there on Christmas Eve, do you know how crazy it's going to be?"

But it was cool, I wanted to get out of the house and drive around anyway. I did have to ask weird questions like, "Excuse me, do you know where the Magic Shoes or something kiosk is?" Some sort of shoe polish that Kuya wanted to give as a gift.

The plan for today is dinner at Grandma's after we pick up my aunt at the airport. Tomorrow we're going to have lunch at my uncle's beach house near Santa Barbara. Sorry for the limited posting, but I'm sure you're all busy as well.

Things I like:
1. Bon Iver's (same translation as "bonne hiver" or French for "good winter") Skinny Love: This song is really lovely.

2. Glass mugs filled with tea.

3. Brogiueres's eggnog: Their milk and eggnog comes in old-fashioned glass bottles and tastes so good.

Happy Holidays everyone!

lessons over dim sum

I can't believe how fast Christmas came. It's weird...I feel like this semester went by faster than last year's fall semester in Paris.

So lots of things happening, I don't really know how to sum it all. Yesterday I had dim sum with a group of ladies I like to call the First Wives' Club. Basically, Mom and her friends. They gossiped in Tagalog and English and bossed the wait staff around. I felt a little out of place, but I came for the food and sometimes they tell funny stories.

Two guys sit at the table next to us. They're probably a little older than me. And, perfect timing, because Auntie Trini starts asking me about my love life. And, I swear, the guys were barely talking, they were just listening on because the First Wives' Club doesn't talk, it broadcasts.

I'm answering her prodding questions softly, and then she tells the story about how her daughter met the "perfect" man. He was rich, working in the entertainment business. They were planning the perfect wedding when, little by little, she started seeing these little things that started bothering her about him. The clencher though was that she went to meet her future in-laws, and her fiance's dad was out golfing while his mom was at home in a wheelchair. And it hit her: "Is this my future?"

She broke it off. She didn't marry the guy, and she's happy with her current hubby who I've met and is a really sweet guy. Bottom line...Auntie Trini didn't tell me what the whole moral of the story is. I guess it's that nothing is perfect, nothing is what is seems, but I also think it's that I shouldn't look at all the little things. I don't know. If I really love a guy, then that means I love his faults too, right? Mom had said on the ride home, "I love your Dad, and he's not perfect."

I hate shopping this time of year, because it feels like all the couples are out holding their hands in your face. Blurg. I was out and about getting some things, and I saw a couple, and this girl had a big SLR camera with her (why?!), and they took a photo of themselves. I guess I was in a bad mood because I went "UGH!" though not loud enough for them to hear. I hate feeling like I'm in someone's romantic comedy.

lost in the snow

Drove home yesterday with my friend Jonalisa who needed a ride to LA as well. She slept most of the time, which is pretty cool since I get to time to think while listening to my music. Dad was nervous about me driving up Grapevine since they were escorting cars. Turns out they weren't, so I drove ever so slowly through the little, tiny snowflakes, and the mountains were blanketed in white.

It was really beautiful. I've never seen snow fall before, this is probably the closet I've ever gotten to seeing it. I didn't stop though I wish I did because some girls got on the cover of the LA Times the next day when they stopped at a rest area off the Grapevine. Damn, that could've been me and Jonalisa. Oh well.

I took it all in, it was such a sight. And I couldn't help but think of my future and how much that's such a big white snowstorm to me. I'm currently in the process of applying for internships. I know that I want to be in film, but I'm not sure at what capacity. I'm familiar with all three sectors: pre-production, production, and post-production. I've written, filmed, and edited films. But I need to be a little realistic and stick to one thing if I want to get somewhere. We'll see.

I have much to do over the break. I have lots of books I want to read. I finished 2 today. I need to clean. I always need to clean. Okay, back to completing my resume.

done!

Yippee! I finished my last class which consisted of me just standing around and watching students, making sure they don't cheat. It was still cool. Turns out my prof will be taking a sabbatical to write his screenwriting book, pretty sweet. I asked if he could be a reference for my internship applications, and he said of course. He even offered to write my letter of recommendation if I intend to go to grad school. Sweeto!

I've packed a lot of stuff to take home. Most of it is stuff that I want to leave at home because I don't need it anymore. I'm really excited for the break because I have loads of books to read.

TA-ing

Yesterday my friends and I surprised our other friend at a restaurant for lunch. She just finished her Masters in Comparative Literature. Way to go Melissa! A friend of a friend came, and I found out that I'm his TA for documentary film.

He had a lot of things to say about the class, a lot of criticism, that's for sure. I tried my best to defend my professor, because he's really a great professor. Sure his class is difficult, but it's good to be challenged. There are so many classes that aren't very challenging in the film major. Anyway, he was really cool about it. I made a joke that he can't say hi to me at the final or it'll look suspicious.

I've been listening to music right before I go to sleep. Right now it's Scrabbel's "Save The Green Planet." So soothing. I listen to it on a loop even while I write. I wrote my whole shot list for my script just to this song.

My friend who visited me in Paris found the books I asked her take home with her. I'm really excited to get them back. They're mostly film books, most of them are scripts. I'm going to read them over the break. I like getting my hands on scripts just to see the different writing styles. I got The Dark Knight, two versions of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Adaptation. just online. Pretty sweet.

Today is my last final, and tomorrow I turn in my final draft and script project. Yee!

study break

I have cup of plain eggnog (no alcohol) beside me. I feel very Christmasy. I've started on a lot of things but am nowhere near to completion on most of them. Blurg.

Went to study/write at Barnes and Noble. Their chairs are comfy, and it's also great for people watching. Especially when I can sit at my favorite table that faces most of the store and the escalators to the bottom floor. Finally finished my script, but I still have to do the shot list. I'll look over my script in a day to see how I feel about it before I print it out.

Ooh, must tell you about comic book store guy.

I was looking for Batgirl: Year One after reading a review, so I decided to try this comic book store just south of here and close to Barnes and Noble. It was hard to find, and it was a little, dinky store, smaller than my bedroom really. Not a lot of comic books.

I walk in, and no one's there. But a guy from the back comes in and says hi. He's kind of chubby, nerdy looking. I notice some sort of sauce stain on his shirt, maybe barbecue since I walked by a rib joint to get there. He asks if I'm looking for something. I tell him what I'm looking for. He finds where it is exactly and gives it to me. He was very nice and not unattractive by society's standards, but definitely someone who would be typecasted as a "nerd." Then he walks to the cashier register. With my back to him, I start reading a couple of pages. After, I look at some other comics before I go to pay.

He takes it from me and asks if I'm a Batgirl fan. I lie and say no, that I'm getting it for a friend. He engages me with a little Batgirl trivia. "You're not going to read this then?" he asks. I lie and say no. He tells me Barbara Gordon isn't his favorite Batgirl, but that it's still a good read. He likes Cassandra Cain--although he didn't refer to her as Cassandra Cain exactly--I knew what he was talking about.

"She's half Chinese." And he pauses and smiles shyly before going on about her kick ass abilities. I'm guessing this was for my benefit since I've been mistaken for part Chinese, but I tend to overanalyze in these kinds of situations. Minutes later, I bid Merry Christmas as I leave and he says the same.

I'm trying to figure out why I lied to him about the book. It's not something to be ashamed of, I guess I wanted to see his reaction and how much information he'd give me if I acted totally oblivious. What I experienced was a nice encounter with a comic book fan. He wasn't preachy or anything, he was very informative and kind.

When I'm lying to strangers, faking someone else, not being myself, but maybe a better version of me...I feel strangely confident.

I need to get back to my shot list.

freedom...for a bit.

Had my last class with Prof. Rustky. He's such a great professor. I really enjoyed science fiction class with him. Anyway, he was wrapping up the class, and he stated, "I'd like to see some female science fiction writers get some films made."

I felt like that quote was more for Catherine than it was for me, but the fact that he said it made me really happy. I do like science fiction, but it's not the genre I lean towards.

I'm going to grade papers today. Blurg. Also write up my resume to send off to internships. Double blurg.

Watched It's A Wonderful Life for the first time, and I absolutely loved it. I love James Stewart. And Frank Capra. Old films have this element to them. They feel more carefully crafted from the dialogue to the cinematography and editing. And this film can be hilarious at one moment and heartbreaking the next. Stewart gives such great looks, and he's incredibly handsome.

There's this utterly romantic scene where Mary and George (the leads) are mad at each other, but they're both sharing a phone and taking to their friend. And that shot of them just standing very close, their faces very close together as they listen on the phone, it just...it kills me. I love it so much. They go from one extreme to another. What's cute is that this is James Stewart's first kiss scene ever since he came back from fighting in the war, and he was very nervous about it. Turns out that the first take is what ended up in the film. Way to go Stewart! And to Capra for his direction!

homesick

I can't sleep. I have this insane paper on James Cameron's film Aliens due tomorrow, and I can't sleep. It must've been the two cups of green tea.

I also found out that my favorite band played a secret show last night in my hometown at Biola University where I first saw them play. My hometown isn't Los Angeles like I write it out in everything, but it's where Biola is located. I just flipped out when I found out. Right when I read it, I really wished that I was home. But it also made me super nostalgic since I was 13 when I saw them play there in this weird room. Kuya took me, and his friend went to Biola so he knew where they were playing and all. It makes me feel so old when I think about it.

Ugh, I don't want to get older.

I have 5 papers to grade for documentary class so it shouldn't be that bad. I also have to apply for CSU media internships. I hope that works out. Catherine is heading down to LA to check out the set for a show on CBS. She doesn't know the name. She knows the camera operator on the show through her Dad, and the guy was talking up her name on the set so apparently all the sound crew is interested in meeting her. Catherine is into sound.

We went to Kinko's to get her business cards made. They misspelled "Yahoo" on 100 business cards. She has her email on Yahoo. At first, she wasn't going to say anything, but I spoke up for her, and asked for them to fix it.

Me: Do you really want "Yaho" on 100 business cards?
Catherine: I don't care.

Sometimes she just won't bother with certain things, it's hilarious.

early Christmas dinner

Catherine finished her Orson Welles paper, and she wanted to celebrate with an early Christmas celebratory dinner. We went to Boulevard Cafe.

I'm so thankful to have Catherine with me all throughout my college years. Honestly, I don't know how I'd get through it all without her. I'm not a super approachable person, and I have a really hard time making friends, but, I swear, without her, things could have been much harder.

We talked about our past film exploits, and all the interesting people we've encountered. We both shared the same sentiment though: we don't really like the girls in our film major. They're so much harder to befriend, and they shroud themselves in phoniness. It's hard to get to the real with them, if that makes any sense. Guys are so much easier to talk to, because they don't play games and they don't gossip and they don't give a shit. And they have a good sense of humor. The girls at our school try too hard, and when they think they know more than you, they're so condescending. Ugh.

Gawd, it's going to be murder when I go back down to LA. It's probably going to be ten times worse.

leftovers hate me

My tummy hurts real bad. Couldn't focus on doing my paper (big surprise), but I finished my script. I had to cut it way down. In the end, I feel bad getting rid of certain scenes and dialogue. It affects me, and I shouldn't make it personal, but it is a world that I created. It's like I'm telling people to shut up or taking memories from them or something, I dunno. When you're developing a character, it's so much a part of you...it's hard to describe.

I spent my day in also various states of vegetation. I watched the rest of my Wonderfalls dvd. And also Eagle Vs. Shark on Netflix which I can now watch over the internet. Yay! It had some funny bits, but mostly it was like New Zealand's version of Napoleon Dynamite.

I have an overwhelming urge to cut my hair. I miss how short it used to be. It's at its longest in 5 years now. I'll try to resist cutting at least until summer.

dinner at Grandma's

She's not really my real Grandma, but my Dad's aunt, and so I get to call her Grandma. She has an amazing house here. Kind of reminds me of the Tenembaums house in the film The Royal Tenenbaums. She's a very sweet, kind lady and her husband is very funny and nice too. They always want me over for dinner, and then they send me home with days worth of leftovers. It's great.

I went over, and she was hosting a mah-jong party in their basement which is connected to their garage, but well-furnished and pretty much like a flat. She gave me a plate of food from the party, and then I ate upstairs in the kitchen where it wasn't so noisy.

Her granddaughter came by and brought enchiladas. She's nice too, about 2 years younger than me. She seems more grown up than I am though, talking about the clubs she wants to go to, her 25 year old boyfriend. She even asked me if she could borrow my ID sometime so that she can get into clubs and get alcohol. I think she was half-kidding. I hope. A really sweet girl, but I feel as if she wants to grow up too fast. And here I am clinging to my youth. Just weeks ago in Las Vegas, a waitress said I looked really fresh faced. I told her I took a shower. She laughed and said, "No, you look 16." I told her I was 22, and she said I looked great. I love that. I wish the guessing game never ends, especially when people guess below my age.

I went home withe various yummy things:
1. Pasta
2. Enchiladas
3. Pansit (Filipino noodles)
4. Cucumbers: I love how Grandma gives me produce. She says she has too much.
5. Oranges

I hope that I become this lady. Just a house stocked with food and people playing mah-jong in the furnished basement.

Went Christmas shopping as well. I'm done with Kuya and Mom's present. I got my Mom some sleepwear and a robe. I won't say what I got my brother. Don't know what I'll get Dad, he's a bit hard to shop for. Went looking for something to hold my brown sugar that I use for tea and ended up buying a teapot, creamer, and sugar bowl. The design is lovely and it all cost under 15 bucks. Awesome.

technical support

So my printer no longer wants to work for me and is stuck on paper jam. I got all the paper out, even from the back, but there seems to be some phantom paper stuck in there, so I finally called technical support.

For about 20 minutes Michael, a very patient tech guy, was trying to help me fix the printer but to no avail. So they're sending me a new printer, and I have to send the old one back. Stupid technology.

After the phone call, I realized how nice it was to talk to Michael. He was very kind and understanding, very patient as I repeatedly asked him to say instructions ("So I press the green button and red button at the same time? And then what?"). Gosh, I wish it was this easy to meet people. I'd much rather talk to strangers than to my friends. Sometimes they call and I just groan when I see the caller id. It's so horrible, I'm such a hermit.

Lots of work to do. I have a sci-fi paper to write due on Thursday, and I've set up a deadline for this other project that I have to finish. There's also my script. Bah. I can't wait for the drive home.

I'm going to try and stick to one book at a time, but here are the books I'm currently reading:
1. A Christmas Carol by Dickens
2. The Mysterious Benedict Society by ?
3. Short Stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Watched:
1. Fahrenheit 9/11
2. The Man Who Knew Too Much (the one with James Stewart)
3. Wonderfalls (in process--I really connect with the Jaye character, and Lee Pace is in it as a student finishing his doctorate in Comparative Religions--I love his character.)
4. Conversations With Other Women: Too much talk for me, but the split screen is fascinating.

soaking in culture

Yesterday was fun. Catherine and I got coffee and headed to the Legion of Honor. We looked at everything on the main floor from Renaissance to Impressionism. It was fun, and it felt like being in Paris again. I even heard some French being spoken by tourists. I really like this painting.

We then went to this little cafe that overlooks the bathhouse ruins on Point Lobos Ave. It's near the Cliff House, but I've forgotten the name.

Afterwards I went to class. God, I hate how sometimes I'll have a class and right in the middle I get this feeling like, "What the hell am I doing? Am I supposed to be here? Is this really the path I'm on?" And I felt like crap all over. Today was better though, although I totally had a mind fart in front of the whole class.

We were doing a read through for a script where the dialogue between girls was very awkward and weird--it was written by a guy, so go figure--but the professor asked me how I would do it, and I just said, "Uh...not this way." And she pried me for more info on what should be said, but I couldn't come up with anything right then and there.

It sucked, but oh well. I'm not very talkative in that class, nor in any of my classes, and I'm wondering if that's going to have an adverse effect on me. Not like on my grades or anyhting, but in the future, when I'll be called upon to speak up or something, and I won't be able to do it. It just takes me a while to think of something to say, and I want it to be worthwhile, and I want to choose the right words, and I don't want to feel as if I've wasted anyone's time.

Ugh, I can't wait for this semester to be over.

smile

Went to get some groceries and drop off rent. Pretty much get back to normal here. Had an interesting moment with a curious boy with brown hair and a slight stubble. I just dropped off rent, and I was backing out ever so slowly though because there was someone behind me in his car that wanted my space but got too close. While I'm backing out, the boy comes toward my car, he gives me the thumbs up and smiles almost saying, "You're good; keep going." I smiled back and drove away. It was a nice moment. A boy smiles at me through glass, and I'm a puddle of water.

If I could have a thousand moments like that or in the same vein with all the lovely boys I come across, I'd be set. I wouldn't care if I never have a boyfriend. Honestly. Those tiny moments mean the world to me.

My friend had a wake up call during the break. She pretty much asked herself if she really did like her boyfriend at all or if she just liked him as a friend. She was telling me that she wished that she went my way, total independence and waiting until the moment felt right, until she felt attraction and passion towards the person. I told her that I wanted her to be happy, and if she wasn't then maybe it was time to break it off. I really shouldn't give advice though, I've never had a boyfriend.

Tomorrow, we're hanging out and going to the Legion of Honor since it'll be free. Yay for free museum days!!!

drive

For the first time since I've been back in the states, I drove all by my lonesome from Southern California to San Francisco. My parents are very protective of me, so they were a bit wary of me doing the drive by myself. It was quite nice though. And I'd call whenever I stopped and I was paranoid of people and all that as usual.

I got to listen to all my new musics which include lullabye renditions of Radiohead songs. I was at Best Buy and saw it and was a bit intrigued. It did not disappoint. It was super cinematic, and I think adults will appreciate it. Don't think it'll put babies to sleep though. Maybe. It has a lot of glockenspiels and synths to it.

Since I had so much time to myself, I could think and let my mind wander--safely though, since I'm driving. At least, I wouldn't have some human butting in and halting my trains of thought. All my trains were on schedule, going places. Oh my gosh, I'm writing weird, I think it's because I have a headache. Anyway, here are some things I think about:

1. My future: For obvious reasons, I don't know what I'm doing, and I try to appear as if I have a plan. I have more like a list of "to-do's" than a plan. But I have faith that everything will work out in the end. If the next year means the biggest depression of my life, then bring it. Another learning experience. If good things happen, then it was meant to happen.

2. Visualizing myself in situations: I often visualize myself doing things that I could never do. Doesn't everybody. Sometimes it's super little things. Things I should've done. Like when I saw someone at Warped Tour and I didn't go up to him and say how much I love his music. I could've done it, but I was chicken, and I'll never have a chance like that again. I blew it. I do stuff like this all the time. Maybe less than before, but still. I keep ruining things for myself, and it's not good. When I run it in my head like a movie, I do it better this time. I make it right. Maybe I'll get another chance?

3. Goals: What haven't I done? What books do I need to read? What can I do to make the Earth a better place? How can I be a better human being?

thanksgiving break

Hey all, so I'm packing up for the drive back to SF. I've been busy and having a good time and too tired to blog and even write in my own personal journals.

Las Vegas was fun. Got to hang with my parents and other old people as they gamble their money away. What recession? Honestly, even people are out and buying things. Hung out with my good friend Catherine in her hometown. It's nice to be with locals and see their side of the city. She took me to Red Rock Canyon where we climbed a side of a red hill and sat in a little cave for a while. It was fun and a bit treacherous. Then we went on the scenic drive, which was really cool. We stopped off at the highest point and people watched. Lunch at a yummy Thai restaurant. I was hankering pad thai, and it was delicious.

Afterwards, drinks and the Palazzo along with a stop at Kiehl's to con a bunch of free samples. We only walked away with two total. Drinks at the Wynn where I met C.'s friends, Morgan and Lenny. Then Morgan took us to his favorite spot, the pinball hall of fame. We played a lot of games and even a worker came by and let me and C. play a game for free. Pretty sweet. An awesome day, probably one of the best days I've ever had in LV.

Been home hanging out with the fam obviously. Sometimes I don't even want to go out, I just want to be in their proximity because it seems like I'll miss something funny that happened if I'm not there, and something funny is always happening at my house.

Thanksgiving was tasty as well, and I spent some time with my cousins which was nice. I've noticed that all my girl cousins on my Dad's side have really hot husbands or boyfriends. They've got some real catches. They're really sweet, great guys in addition to being attractive. I mentioned before the "spinster" curse or whatever on my Mom's side since 3 of my girl cousins are unmarried with no boyfriends--and there's nothing wrong with that--but man, when they predict that it'll happen to me...that makes me nervous. All the signs are there: I'm an anti-social hermit who doesn't trust anyone and would rather spend time with my fam. I see my cousins on my Dad's side and how happy they are with their husbands/boyfriends...so maybe I've got a chance? It's like half and half.

Not looking forward to going back to school, but it's only like 3 weeks and it'll be over in a cinch.

winter's here

Finally it's cold enough to wear my winter things. I sort of miss the definite seasons of Paris. Yesterday I got to wear my favorite black long coat with its bright orange lining. Today I wore my black short pea coat and a beanie with a black skirt, shirt and khaki sweater over the shirt. I love wearing layers. Wore black tights under the skirt.

Had my second to last class before my break today. Short format screenwriting. It was a lot of fun. I have a good time in that class, despite that day I had the script read-through. There are a lot of good, funny people in it. It's really nice when people pick me for read-throughs. It's a real confidence booster. I was asked to be a main character twice and a supporting character several times. I get really into it, and it's kind of fun.

On the way back to the bus, I saw a sign for the library booksale room. I've never been there before, and I thought I might take a look. It's this small tiny room with no windows filled to the ceiling with books. I immediately knew where it was because I saw those books carts stocked with books in front of the door. Inside was an old lady with white hair wearing glasses and eating tabouli out of tupperware. She was reading as well.

I looked through the film section, the fiction section, the biographies, and finally the children's section. I've been into children's literature for a while. I bought 3 old hardbacks with beautiful covers at $2 and a paperback at $1. The hardbacks were these:

1. Willa Cather's On Writing
2. Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island
3. Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales.

The last two have great illustrations. And Treasure Island was owned by someone in Maine--his address stamp was in it. The paperback was Morte D'Artur. I made small talk with the lady. She was so pleased with what I found, as if I discovered some buried treasure or something. "Wow, these are great!" she said.

So I started packing already even though I'm not leaving for like 2 days, but I wanted to get a head start. I'm also bringing home my bike since I don't use it much up here, and it's getting rusty living out on the balcony. Will be taking home some books to read as well as homework. Can't wait for the drive home!!!

balance

What a lovely weekend. My friends took me to an amazing French restaurant called Clementine. All the waiters spoke French, and the chef (French) came around and greeted us. The atmosphere was just like a Parisian restaurant, the kind far removed from the touristy ones near St. Michel. It was so tasty.

I spent the night at their house since it was pretty late, and I did have wine with my dinner. We watched Dan In Real Life. Pretty decent. I love those Steve Carell moments where everything he does makes you cringe. He's so good at that. I have those moments a lot.

Next day, we ate breakfast at Eats on Clement. Another tasty meal. Sometimes I wished I lived in the city so that I can enjoy all these things. Living in the outskirts makes it hard for me to go out, especially when I LOVE my apartment. It faces a golf course, so I feel like I'm in the woods or something.

Just this past week, my friend told me that she had a scare. She woke up with chest pains and her left arm was all tingly. She's better now, thank God, but it was quite a scare, and it really frightened me as well. I thought about my own health, and I've been battling my weight since grade school (I was borderline obese), but I've lost most of the weight senior year of high school through the first two years of college.

I gained weight since Paris (10 lbs.), and this scare just got me thinking that if I don't watch out, I can gain it all back. And I really want to be healthy, and I want to be fit, and I love how I feel when I'm all healthy, so I worked out for almost 2 hours yesterday--no joke. AND IT FELT SO GOOD!

I figured, I indulged all weekend with foie gras and yummy buttery things, but I need to balance it all out. I jogged on our treadmill on an incline. I NEVER jog, and I did weights on our balcony while facing the golf course, and it was so beautiful outside, and then I did some karate moves and stretched, and it was just the most amazing feeling in the world. I'll never forget it.

I'm so sore today, but I feel so good. Balance. Balance in my life. Exactly what I needed. I'm going to try and do this every other day. My goal is to reach my ultimate goal weight of 118 pounds (healthy for my 5 foot 1 in frame) by June 23--my birthday. I'm not aiming to be skinny, just healthy for my body size.

I can do this! And this time feels so different than all the other times I've tried to lose weight. It has a lot to do with Paris. When I was in Paris, I noticed that the women there are different in that they dressed up when they went out. You never saw a woman out in her pajamas and Ugg boots. And they all walked with a certain confidence. They loved their bodies and they flaunted the parts they loved about themselves. I was never really aware of that when I was in America. Seeing all these women of different shapes and sizes with total body confidence gave me confidence. I started wearing dresses and skirts and I stopped hiding what I thought were my flaws. It really opened my eyes.

This time it's going to be different. I want to be active and healthy, and I finally want to lose this weight.

out and about

I’ve been in the habit of taking my work outside the house. When it comes to me doing something creative, I have to leave the house now. Maybe my chair is too uncomfortable? It’s one of those aluminum interrogation chairs that police question suspects in. Maybe that’s why it’s uncomfortable so that suspects will just confess to the crime since the chair is so damn uncomfortable; they just want to get out of that chair.

I need to have strangers around me. They help me. Like the other day, I went to a well-known coffeehouse to work on my backstory. It was extremely helpful. So was the tasty drink.

Today I did the same thing. It was just so hot at my place, and the open glass door out onto the balcony was doing NOTHING to help the hotness, so I went out to a different location, but the same well known coffeehouse and wrote there. And it was funny. Two ladies in their 20s wanted to sit at the table I wanted to sit at, and at first it was “cool” with them cuz then I could listen to their conversation and maybe even work on my transcribing skills-hey maybe I can get into doing subtitles for films—but then again I wanted to work on other things, so I saw another table open up, and I apologized but then said, “Hey, look another table” and then I just left. And those girls didn’t care, but then I thought, “Shit I just missed my chance of listening on very interesting conversations.” Then again I didn’t want to get caught typing their words on my computer. What would they do? Would they peek? Make me erase it all. Actually it doesn’t even matter, they’re 10 feet away but talking loud enough for me to hear.

Damn people can’t park worth a damn, they have such a hard time doing right turns into parking spots. Then again, I think 90% of my parking spots are on my left or just those slanted parking spots. WAIT, I did do a right turn parking spot yesterday, and it was total perfection.

musics

My friend asked me the other day what I was listening to at the moment and even I wasn't so sure. She wanted to burn some music from me (just a little). She's usually very good about going out and buying the actual cd and all. I started to play some of the stuff that I was into, and she just had this look of distaste on her face like she ate a bad oyster or something.

Right now, I'm really into slower stuff, more electronicky I guess. And this is what I've been listening to lately. So you could either be open and take a bite or just don't touch the oysters.

Today was particularly swell because I went out to get some coffee and write outside the house. I'm creating a backstory for a character in my script. It's for my guy character. I don't know why I particularly like creating guy characters so much. Maybe because I create guys that I wish I knew in real life. Maybe I can apply the same thing to girl characters, because my girl characters seem to be one-dimensional. Gee, I wonder why...haha. It's not that all my girl friends are one dimensional, it's just...I don't know. I have more fun with boys.

Watched Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day. It's absolutely lovely. Takes place in 1940s London. I loved the production design and the clothing. Plus, it has the gorge Lee Pace in a bad British accent, but oh well. He sings "If I Didn't Care" while playing the piano, so that makes up for it.

oh captain my captain

After yesterday's rough day, today was pretty swell. Prof. R. was totally hilarious today during sci-fi film lecture. Cracking jokes left and right about Aliens and the "monstrous feminine." It was a great day. L. and I just kept laughing at the back, and he'd smile at us. He approached us during a break in our past classes asking if we were laughing at him and we said, "No! We just think you're funny."

When I graduate, which'll hopefully be this May, I'm going to thank all my professors for all that they've done. They've been...exceptional. I've been really blessed to have the teachers I've had, and it's weird to think that it'll all be over soon.

Prof. McBride once said that maybe my TAship might inspire me to teach, but I'm really not quite sure if I could do that. I'm not even that great at giving feedback on scripts. But it must be a really cool feeling to inspire, to teach, and to drive students in the direction of their passions.

humiliation at its core

Today I had to present my script for my short film. We do a read through where people read for the parts.

I came in pretty confident, but right when the prof asked me to go first, it all started going downhill. Firstly, I picked really bad readers. Maybe it's because it was 9:00 in the morning and no one was fully awake yet, but that's where it really went wrong. The readers were stumbling over the lines, so it felt like the script didn't make sense.

I literally put my head in my hands. I couldn't even listen to the script, I felt like they were butchering it. It just wasn't what I thought would come of this. Some of the jokes didn't get across either, and the guy reading for my main character Todd was being too sarcastic, which isn't the character at all, but it's just him being him.

All I kept thinking was, "What's wrong? Why is it coming out like this? Where did I go wrong?" I really started doubting myself as a writer, maybe my stuff's too quirky and not mainstream enough. It was a real downer. I wanted to leave the room. I felt really exposed up there, with my script being read out loud. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't.

Right after, I got some good feedback from my prof and TA and the rest of the class. But I still felt real sore about the whole thing, like when you fall on your butt when you go ice-skating. And I felt it all day.

L. came over, and brought stuff to make drinks, just cranberry juice and vodka. We just drank a little and watched "Alien" for our sci-fi class. I really want to get out of my head and get the feeling of this morning out.

Welcome! Bienvenue! Bienvenidos!

Hey all! This is my new interweb space journal thingey. Yay!

"Let's Dismantle" stems from one of my favorite films, at the moment: I Heart Huckabees. It's like if someone took the themes from J.D. Salinger's book Franny and Zooey and made a film about it, that would be Huckabees. It has a special place in my heart...so yeah. Dismantling is a form of meditating, breaking down our everyday identities ("I am a student. I am this city. I am my car....etc.) in order to see the truth that lies beneath and find the interconnection between all of us, and blahbalhblah...It's all really heavy, and yet not heavy at all. I don't think I even understand it completely.

Enjoy, enjoy.