I've never realized how much stuff I had until I actually packed it all up. I loaded my whole car and the back of a truck. I did have a futon and a bed frame and bed along with a desk, but it was pretty overwhelming to pack it all for the last big move.
I'm back in so cal and still not used to the weather. Went to my friend's commencement which took place in the noon sun (whose power I've completely underestimated), and I got sunburned on my shoulders. Forgot to put SPF there! Cher graduated in Health Sciences and will most likely go into nursing.
I'm quite taken aback by the lovely graduation presents I've been receiving, all of which are extremely generous. Remember when I wrote about my visit to Napa with Stacy? There, I mentioned an amazing bottle of wine: the Rubicon 2005. Auntie Fely, a devoted reader ever since my Paris blog, sent me a bottle!!! Thanks so much Auntie! I'm saving it for a while, and you need to be here when it's opened! I just want to graduate every year if I could for the presents.
The grad party Mom is planning for me is underway, also a huge deal. She invited a lot of people and likened it to a "wedding". It's going to be that huge. I usually don't care for huge shindigs, but I'm actually excited for this because I can make a proper Oscar-like speech after dinner and thank people. God, I forgot to tell you how horrible my speech at the Cinema department party was. What a disaster. I hadn't eaten, and the only thing I had in my stomach was wine. Yikes. Anyway, I'm going to make a better speech.
So far, post-life grad is pretty...chill. I've been unpacking, cleaning, fixing things, and just trying to put everything in order because I can't function or work if my room is in a disarray. No word from any internships, but I might sign up for this entertainment workshop thingy which I hope opens some doors or gets to let me peek at doors at least. Will head to Cinegear next week to get some free film magazines and maybe some info on internships there. It's a Paramount Studios which I'm excited about.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Saturday, 23 May 2009
commencement
Commencement went really well. I'm so glad I had Catherine with me so that we could make fun of the speeches or laugh at things. God, I don't think I would have made it without her.
Everyone kept telling me to cheer up today. I don't know why but events like these make me really sad. Graduations and birthdays. Of course it's the whole growing up thing that probably stresses me out and never lets me enjoy it, and I hate that it's a big deal and that it's supposed to be about me, and I know that it's something that matters to my parents and my family, but I don't like the attention.
For a split second this morning, I wondered what everyone would say if I didn't go, if I just stayed under the sheets or went to the beach or the movies and just didn't show up. God, they'd be so mad at me. But it's those acts of rebellion that make me feel free. Not showing up to something like graduation would be a huge thing, but I've done smaller things that still made me feel free and in control. In the end there's that intense, crushing guilt that comes with it, but it's temporary.
Going to the Cinema Department party made me realize how many people I didn't befriend over the years. God, it's just so freaking hard for me to be friends with anyone and I hate how selective I am, but in all honesty I can't stand a lot of people or pretend to be anyone's friend hoping they'd do me a solid in the future. I can't function like that. It takes maybe a good three years for someone to become my friend. Or we have to share an experience together, like the year I spent abroad and became close with the girls I had met before in SF, but didn't get to really know until we lived in Paris. And it's the wrong type of personality to come into this "industry". Jeffrey Tambor (of "Arrested Development" fame) gave a succinct yet poignant speech in which he said: "Love yourself. Be yourself. Love your partner in life and you kids..." I keep thinking it's going to be really hard to be myself when I'm not the type of person that belongs.
Crap, I'm scared. I really am. This is it.
Everyone kept telling me to cheer up today. I don't know why but events like these make me really sad. Graduations and birthdays. Of course it's the whole growing up thing that probably stresses me out and never lets me enjoy it, and I hate that it's a big deal and that it's supposed to be about me, and I know that it's something that matters to my parents and my family, but I don't like the attention.
For a split second this morning, I wondered what everyone would say if I didn't go, if I just stayed under the sheets or went to the beach or the movies and just didn't show up. God, they'd be so mad at me. But it's those acts of rebellion that make me feel free. Not showing up to something like graduation would be a huge thing, but I've done smaller things that still made me feel free and in control. In the end there's that intense, crushing guilt that comes with it, but it's temporary.
Going to the Cinema Department party made me realize how many people I didn't befriend over the years. God, it's just so freaking hard for me to be friends with anyone and I hate how selective I am, but in all honesty I can't stand a lot of people or pretend to be anyone's friend hoping they'd do me a solid in the future. I can't function like that. It takes maybe a good three years for someone to become my friend. Or we have to share an experience together, like the year I spent abroad and became close with the girls I had met before in SF, but didn't get to really know until we lived in Paris. And it's the wrong type of personality to come into this "industry". Jeffrey Tambor (of "Arrested Development" fame) gave a succinct yet poignant speech in which he said: "Love yourself. Be yourself. Love your partner in life and you kids..." I keep thinking it's going to be really hard to be myself when I'm not the type of person that belongs.
Crap, I'm scared. I really am. This is it.
Friday, 15 May 2009
what a wonderful world
Technology is amazing. I take it for granted a lot of the time.
There was a slight fiasco with the phone being delivered to my house. I was at school when it came yesterday and totally missed it. I called to see if I could pick it up at Fedex. It's possible, but it wasn't under my name, it's under my sis-in-law's since I'm under her plan. Ugh, I really dislike the dudes at Verizon up here. Just a bunch of young guys who look like they went to school together and are huge pals and decided to open up a Verizon. They also talked to me as if I was one of those girls who's drunk enough to drop her expensive phone in the toilet. NO! That did NOT happen to me! I was being amazing and adventurous, and my phone fell in a LAKE when my canoe capsized! That's right! Blurg. Not that that's any better...Anyway...
So if I were to pick it up at Fedex, only she could sign for it since it's addressed for her. Whereas if it came to my apartment, it wouldn't matter as long as anyone could sign for it.
The guy on the phone at Fedex was really helpful and scheduled another delivery for today since that would be the only way the phone could get into my hands. The package could be here anytime from now to 7pm. He gave me a tracking number, and for the past 3 hours or so I've been tracking every move of my package which contains my new phone. Right now it's on a truck, scheduled for delivery. I only hope that the front door to my building is unlocked when he gets here so that he can come to my door. I put up a sign asking people to leave it propped open.
Honestly, it's kind of nice not having a phone. I feel lighter without it. I mean, now I only carry these things in my purse:
-wallet
-pen
-small Molekine journal
-lip balm
-pepper spray
-hand sanitizer
That's like pre-fantastic technology era! Before we even had cell phones! But for safety reasons, I do like having it around in case I'm in a jam.
I only have ONE FINAL left, and then my college career is over. How odd.
There was a slight fiasco with the phone being delivered to my house. I was at school when it came yesterday and totally missed it. I called to see if I could pick it up at Fedex. It's possible, but it wasn't under my name, it's under my sis-in-law's since I'm under her plan. Ugh, I really dislike the dudes at Verizon up here. Just a bunch of young guys who look like they went to school together and are huge pals and decided to open up a Verizon. They also talked to me as if I was one of those girls who's drunk enough to drop her expensive phone in the toilet. NO! That did NOT happen to me! I was being amazing and adventurous, and my phone fell in a LAKE when my canoe capsized! That's right! Blurg. Not that that's any better...Anyway...
So if I were to pick it up at Fedex, only she could sign for it since it's addressed for her. Whereas if it came to my apartment, it wouldn't matter as long as anyone could sign for it.
The guy on the phone at Fedex was really helpful and scheduled another delivery for today since that would be the only way the phone could get into my hands. The package could be here anytime from now to 7pm. He gave me a tracking number, and for the past 3 hours or so I've been tracking every move of my package which contains my new phone. Right now it's on a truck, scheduled for delivery. I only hope that the front door to my building is unlocked when he gets here so that he can come to my door. I put up a sign asking people to leave it propped open.
Honestly, it's kind of nice not having a phone. I feel lighter without it. I mean, now I only carry these things in my purse:
-wallet
-pen
-small Molekine journal
-lip balm
-pepper spray
-hand sanitizer
That's like pre-fantastic technology era! Before we even had cell phones! But for safety reasons, I do like having it around in case I'm in a jam.
I only have ONE FINAL left, and then my college career is over. How odd.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
The year 2009 will now be divided into "pre-canoe" and "post-canoe"
Pre-canoe:
* hiked short, beginners trails (1 mile or less)
* never canoed or even rowed a boat before
* only slightly serious about living an active lifestyle
* woke up at 8:30am naturally
Post-canoe:
* hiked 3.43 miles across moderate trails, climbing 1000ft. Planning to do longer trails with possible overnight camping
* some canoeing experience (hah), but I want to do it again and do it right next time
* very serious about an active (outdoorsy) lifestyle (i.e. camping at least once a month, serious hiking every other weekend)
* waking up at 7:00am naturally
It's funny how one episode can change a lot of things...
* hiked short, beginners trails (1 mile or less)
* never canoed or even rowed a boat before
* only slightly serious about living an active lifestyle
* woke up at 8:30am naturally
Post-canoe:
* hiked 3.43 miles across moderate trails, climbing 1000ft. Planning to do longer trails with possible overnight camping
* some canoeing experience (hah), but I want to do it again and do it right next time
* very serious about an active (outdoorsy) lifestyle (i.e. camping at least once a month, serious hiking every other weekend)
* waking up at 7:00am naturally
It's funny how one episode can change a lot of things...
Sunday, 10 May 2009
the canoe incident
El, Em, Claire, Eileen and I rented a rowboat and canoe for the hour on our first day at the lake. Claire and El were in the rowboat because they wanted to fish, and me, Em, and Eileen were in the canoe.
We first headed against the current towards the northwest side of the lake so that when we turned around, we might have some wind to bring us back. It was going really very well, especially since we’re all non-canoers. We had lifevests, but I didn’t wear mine (like an idiot) because I feel comfortable swimming (more comfy than I should feel).
We were getting cocky, maybe going a bit more faster than we should. The current was getting stronger and making us veer right, and too counter it we all put our oars to paddle on the right. All three of us must’ve simply leaned to far to the right and the next thing you know, we capsized.
I was pulled under into the green murky water. I opened my eyes, and it was the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen. I can still see it. Up above this bubbly froth like just poured beer. I oriented myself and began to swim up.
I took a breath. The feeling wasn’t panic. Looking back, that wasn’t what I felt. It was excitement. I was excited, and I began to laugh to myself. Maybe it was that sort of nervous, crazy laugh you let out when you realize that you just avoided an accident that could’ve seriously hurt yourself or someone else.
I saw Em and Eileen bobbing away in their lifevests. They were okay. I swam towards the canoe along with Em. Eileen just let the current take her and didn’t swim to us. I looked for my pack that I had with my cell, digital camera, and ipod. It bobbed with the current just a few feet beyond the canoe. I watched it bob there for a beat. It was clear to me that I wasn’t upset. That’s the weird thing. Over 500 hundred dollars in electronics are taking in that murky green lake water you find so beautiful, Elaine. You’ve lost your ability to contact people, capture memories, and listen to music. And you’re not upset?
No, no, no, I’m not. But I can’t dissect this right now. Not while I’m treading water and holding onto an overturned canoe. All I know is that right then and there, I felt this incredible joy that comes maybe to people who like things destroyed. Like a Fight Club moment, if I could sort of give it a name and familiar context. I felt incredibly free.
We hung there for a while until someone from the dock had seen and sent someone.
Some teenager named Jimmy with blonde hair and crooked teeth came. He tried to pull me onto the boat, but it didn’t have anything to hold to, only this slippery, metal sliding that nothing could grab at. My legs tremble at the thought. Nothing more futile than my feet trying to grab onto that smooth metal, then slipping down into that murky green. It’s like those sad cartoon villains trying to climb up a falling ladder.
He grabbed my arms so tightly and roughly, I have the bruises that battered women are familiar with. El later remarked that I look like I had been manhandled. I’ll have a story to fabricate for my self-defense teacher.
I simply didn’t have the upper arm strength to get myself up (note to self: work on that later). Em didn’t even try. Eileen was so far away some good samaritans on kayaks brought her over as she held onto their craft.
“You girls are just going to hold onto the boat while we motor to the dock.” Immediate thought: OH MY GOSH! This is going to be like an action film! I’m James Bond! I’m John McClane! This is the bad guy’s boat!
Funny how no women action heroes sprung to mind…
As soon as we got close, Em and I swam to the boat ramp and walked up. Eileen stayed in the water. Maybe she was embarassed as some people near the dock seemed to stare in wonder. City slickers, they’re thinking. One man getting ready to fish asked if I was okay. I said yeah and smiled.
Even if it was an accident, I’m glad it happened. I liked my reaction to it. Em and Eileen like that they have a funny camping store to tell, and I like the way I feel about things now, how I feel about myself. Falling out of that canoe was as much a baptism as any other babe being anointed with oil and water. Things feel and will be different from now on. I know I write that a lot, but it's true every time.
We first headed against the current towards the northwest side of the lake so that when we turned around, we might have some wind to bring us back. It was going really very well, especially since we’re all non-canoers. We had lifevests, but I didn’t wear mine (like an idiot) because I feel comfortable swimming (more comfy than I should feel).
We were getting cocky, maybe going a bit more faster than we should. The current was getting stronger and making us veer right, and too counter it we all put our oars to paddle on the right. All three of us must’ve simply leaned to far to the right and the next thing you know, we capsized.
I was pulled under into the green murky water. I opened my eyes, and it was the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen. I can still see it. Up above this bubbly froth like just poured beer. I oriented myself and began to swim up.
I took a breath. The feeling wasn’t panic. Looking back, that wasn’t what I felt. It was excitement. I was excited, and I began to laugh to myself. Maybe it was that sort of nervous, crazy laugh you let out when you realize that you just avoided an accident that could’ve seriously hurt yourself or someone else.
I saw Em and Eileen bobbing away in their lifevests. They were okay. I swam towards the canoe along with Em. Eileen just let the current take her and didn’t swim to us. I looked for my pack that I had with my cell, digital camera, and ipod. It bobbed with the current just a few feet beyond the canoe. I watched it bob there for a beat. It was clear to me that I wasn’t upset. That’s the weird thing. Over 500 hundred dollars in electronics are taking in that murky green lake water you find so beautiful, Elaine. You’ve lost your ability to contact people, capture memories, and listen to music. And you’re not upset?
No, no, no, I’m not. But I can’t dissect this right now. Not while I’m treading water and holding onto an overturned canoe. All I know is that right then and there, I felt this incredible joy that comes maybe to people who like things destroyed. Like a Fight Club moment, if I could sort of give it a name and familiar context. I felt incredibly free.
We hung there for a while until someone from the dock had seen and sent someone.
Some teenager named Jimmy with blonde hair and crooked teeth came. He tried to pull me onto the boat, but it didn’t have anything to hold to, only this slippery, metal sliding that nothing could grab at. My legs tremble at the thought. Nothing more futile than my feet trying to grab onto that smooth metal, then slipping down into that murky green. It’s like those sad cartoon villains trying to climb up a falling ladder.
He grabbed my arms so tightly and roughly, I have the bruises that battered women are familiar with. El later remarked that I look like I had been manhandled. I’ll have a story to fabricate for my self-defense teacher.
I simply didn’t have the upper arm strength to get myself up (note to self: work on that later). Em didn’t even try. Eileen was so far away some good samaritans on kayaks brought her over as she held onto their craft.
“You girls are just going to hold onto the boat while we motor to the dock.” Immediate thought: OH MY GOSH! This is going to be like an action film! I’m James Bond! I’m John McClane! This is the bad guy’s boat!
Funny how no women action heroes sprung to mind…
As soon as we got close, Em and I swam to the boat ramp and walked up. Eileen stayed in the water. Maybe she was embarassed as some people near the dock seemed to stare in wonder. City slickers, they’re thinking. One man getting ready to fish asked if I was okay. I said yeah and smiled.
Even if it was an accident, I’m glad it happened. I liked my reaction to it. Em and Eileen like that they have a funny camping store to tell, and I like the way I feel about things now, how I feel about myself. Falling out of that canoe was as much a baptism as any other babe being anointed with oil and water. Things feel and will be different from now on. I know I write that a lot, but it's true every time.
Friday, 8 May 2009
packed
Camping this weekend with friends.
I'm just so excited to get away. From school, finals, grad stuff. Even internet and the use of my phone (which won't work where we're going). I really need this right now, time to be with friends and in nature. Then when I get back I'll focus on school.
Woke up early to take Stacy to SFO. She's flying to Cannes to work at the film festival there. She's been a really great friend to me, and I'm so happy for her. She has this drive that I really lack sometimes, and she's great at networking. She wants to be a film promoter and be in charge of film festivals. Asian film festivals, specifically. She's going to be really great.
Went to some screenings at the SF International Film Festival: An Evening with Robert Redford where Redford appeared and talked about his body of work and they showed Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and the west coast premiere of Moon, which I can't recommend enough. If you like sci-fi space thrillers, you'll dig this. And Sam Rockwell was great.
Funny thing that happened at Moon: I was sitting by myself looking very pathetic while people were either in groups or in couples. I must've really stood out because I sat at the far left of the theater alone. This bearded guy up front kind of facing the audience was staring at me. Oh God, I thought, how embarrassing. It's weird, back in Paris I was alright going to a film alone, but this time felt different. Anyway, this bearded guy ended up being Duncan Jones who is the writer and director and there to talk about the film--also he's David Bowie's son.
It was just hilarious in hindsight because the film deals with loneliness in space, and here I was, you know, loneliness on earth. Like you didn't even need the idea of space and its environment to really convey loneliness. Hah.
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