Commencement went really well. I'm so glad I had Catherine with me so that we could make fun of the speeches or laugh at things. God, I don't think I would have made it without her.
Everyone kept telling me to cheer up today. I don't know why but events like these make me really sad. Graduations and birthdays. Of course it's the whole growing up thing that probably stresses me out and never lets me enjoy it, and I hate that it's a big deal and that it's supposed to be about me, and I know that it's something that matters to my parents and my family, but I don't like the attention.
For a split second this morning, I wondered what everyone would say if I didn't go, if I just stayed under the sheets or went to the beach or the movies and just didn't show up. God, they'd be so mad at me. But it's those acts of rebellion that make me feel free. Not showing up to something like graduation would be a huge thing, but I've done smaller things that still made me feel free and in control. In the end there's that intense, crushing guilt that comes with it, but it's temporary.
Going to the Cinema Department party made me realize how many people I didn't befriend over the years. God, it's just so freaking hard for me to be friends with anyone and I hate how selective I am, but in all honesty I can't stand a lot of people or pretend to be anyone's friend hoping they'd do me a solid in the future. I can't function like that. It takes maybe a good three years for someone to become my friend. Or we have to share an experience together, like the year I spent abroad and became close with the girls I had met before in SF, but didn't get to really know until we lived in Paris. And it's the wrong type of personality to come into this "industry". Jeffrey Tambor (of "Arrested Development" fame) gave a succinct yet poignant speech in which he said: "Love yourself. Be yourself. Love your partner in life and you kids..." I keep thinking it's going to be really hard to be myself when I'm not the type of person that belongs.
Crap, I'm scared. I really am. This is it.
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Everything is connected, and everything matters. There's not an atom in our bodies that has not been forged in the furnace of the sun. Now isn't that cool?
2 comments:
Elaine. Congrats on getting this done (college). I'm serious. It's just a stepping stone to do what you love. I make it sound as if college was a drag- a means to an end, but it really was. However, I know you never took it for granted and enjoyed the journey along the way.
I know this sounds all melodramatic, but I am very proud of you. Sometimes you give me the impression that you doubt yourself. On the contrary, finishing film school is very commendable, because in so many people's eyes it is setting yourself up for failure. I admire how you did what you wanted to do. Cliche saying, but not easy to put into honorable action. We always hear that the industry is not kind, and that our female filipino pedigrees are not the standard. Everyday, I wish I was a male Jew who had an uncle as an agent to make things easier. lol Maybe, I'm over rationalizing, but God is going to make it harder for us if we really want it. So look back at your persistence and passion in college and use that to get you by on our difficult path to the future. You will make it, and if you don't, if WE don't...at least we tried and I guess that half the fun of the hollywood dream.
I really wish I had the same support and friends who would get me through my film woes. Because you have both, you have a good start. :)
Oh Catherine, it's no impression, I pretty much emanate doubt, haha. Thanks so much for believing in me and for making me see all this in another perspective. I hate knowing that it's going to be harder for us because we're not the standard, but the industry is due for some change and fresh faces and voices. I know I sometimes come from a place a doubt and despair, but I really do believe that there's hope for us in this industry.
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